Don't be alarmed...

Ok, this is just a quick little update that i thought was kinda funny. I was going through some old postings and just double checking links and things to update, and when i clicked on one of the reviews, i came up with this warning.

Just so you know, i am NOT trying to trick you into giving me your personal information. Rest assured, i am here to share my reliable root beer knowledge with you kind and gentle folks. More reviews are on the way, i promise. However, from now on i will require your social security numbers and bank accounts in order to access my blog. It's protocol. I'm sure you understand.

Judge Wapner Root Beer

I'll tell ya... every once in a while one of these things falls in your lap that just reinvents the whole game. I'll just preface this by saying I'm a fan of the Chuck Norris propaganda that has been floating around over the past few years, although it's a little played out by now. But i think this is the next man to break onto the scene of pseudo-celebrity turned pop culture icon: Judge Wapner. That's right, i said Wapner. For those of you who don't know who this mountain of a man is/was, he was the presiding star of a popular TV court room show for real life small claims trials. The People's Court ran throughout the entire decade of the 1980's and into the early 90's. This man is a pioneer. Judge Judy and Judge Joe Brown had better be worshiping this guy's image every night before bed because they wouldn't even have a career without him. I've even heard that Wapner was so influential that even Dustin Hoffman would rearrange his whole schedule to make sure he watched the show. He would allegedly freak out if he couldn't watch it. He man... gotta watch Wapner... Although i could go on and on introducing this man who has made my childhood life seem just and fair, seeking justice for the wrongs of the small claims court universe, but i'll let the root beer do the rest of the talking. Judge Wapner Root Beer comes to us from Blue Dog Beverages. This root beer has been around since the dawn of time and has been waiting for the right person to come along to represent it fairly in a court of law. It appears to be more than just coincidence. Spoiler alert!: before i even tried this, i knew it would at least get 7 IBCs.

The only way to truly represent this 12 oz. glass bottle justly is to prominently display a gloriously terrifying portrait of the man who has struck so much fear into small claims evil-doers hearts. Judge Wapner's portrait carries so much credibility that you don't even need to write anything on the label. But what the heck, let's do it anyway. Aside from the name of the root beer, the judge declares with a booming voice, "I sentence you to drink my root beer!" That has to be the best punishment anyone could ever get. This label is so incredible that Wapner can use it as an official form of identification, even for airport security purposes. And if you ever get pulled over, be sure you have one of these babies riding shotgun so the cops know you can't be intimidated when the law is on your side.

But probably the best part of this whole charade is that this is actually a pretty good root beer. It tastes similar to Jack Black's Dead Red Root Beer, but it's much more subtle on the flavor and has more carbonation for more of a bite. He probably wanted it to be that way so you can understand how it feels when he throws the book at you. Whether you're drinking his root beer or being sued by your neighbor, he wants you to understand what a privilege it is to have him presiding over your experience.

My official review is that Judge Wapner gets 8 (eight) IBCs. You can't run away from the law just like you can't run away from great taste. That's why i wouldn't dare give this thing any less of a rating. But in all seriousness, it's a good root beer, similar to many others, but the persona and the bite it packs pushes it above the rest. So go drink this root beer and then report back to your parole officer!

River City Root Beer

Well, it looks like the Pop Shop pulled through for me again and got a new root beer for me to try. I am running low on options around the valley here and i have gotten several leads from people that i will probably need to go online for, but this is one i had not yet heard of. So a big thank you goes out to the Pop Shop for its continued service of bringing me new root beers. If you haven't gone to the Pop Shop yet, you should go. They are good people, even though they are a bunch of hippies. Anyway, let me get to the good stuff. River City Root Beer is produced by Blue Dog Beverages out of Sacramento, CA. It turns out a lot of sodas are produced by Blue Dog, including one of my favorite non-root beer sodas, Leninade (also available at the Pop Shop). If you haven't had one yet, go get one. They are awesome. But anyway, back to River City...

The dark brown 12 oz. bottle has a fairly intricate, yet plain label on it. The name of the root beer is written in an almost calligraphy style font that it reminiscent of the days of Mark Twain's stories of river boat adventures. In fact, there is a picture of a river boat depicted on the label. River City beacons you to hearken back to a simpler time and enjoy a root beer the way it was meant to be enjoyed. A nice sentiment and all of that, but i think i, like most people, can't really relate since Mark Twain passed away in 1910. I'm not sure my grandma was even born at that time. So maybe the aim of River City should be to have me hearken back to a simpler time when Back to the Future was still in the movie theaters and Legos were merely simple geometric shapes. That might be a little more my time frame.

River City isn't a bad root beer, but i think my biggest complaint is that it's completely flat. No carbonation. That seems to be a growing epidemic in root beers, and i don't like it. I'm not looking to have you kill me with carbonation, but i like a good amount of it. River City has none. Other than that, it has a good root beer flavor, a hint of carmel, and maybe just a touch of wintergreen. It's a good flavor, but the lack of carbonation kills it for me. If this is their idea of having me remember the yesteryears of the mid to late 1800's, then they can keep it.

My official review is that River City gets 6 (six) IBCs. That rating could feasibly go higher had the soda contained at least a fair degree of carbonation. Alas, the marketing team for River City has yet to contact me and ask my extremely valuable opinion. It's up to you, my loyal readers, to clamor for improvement from this root beer on the edge of excellence. If anyone of you knows anyone in touch with this or any of these root beer companies, have them check out this blog for the opinion of the masses. I'd be happy to offer them some tips on how to make their root beers spectacular (for a fee). In fact, i'll do one now just to demonstrate my willingness to help...

Henry Weinhard's... stop making root beer. You're welcome.

Super Chill Root Beer

Ugh... i've been in Chicago for the weekend for a wedding (congrats Tyler and Lauren) and just got back this morning. We caught an early flight and i don't sleep well on airplanes, so i am cranky and moody right now. My lovely wife says i am acting like i am menstruating, but i assure you that isn't possible seeing that i am all man. Anyway, i made it a point to go to a grocery store to find some local root beers. I was lucky in that i found one that i have not already reviewed, but unlucky in that it was out of stock. But now that i know it's out there, i am making preparations to obtain a sample. On the up side, the trip to the store wasn't a complete waste because i found this "gem" (p.s. quotation marks in this case suggest that i am being sarcastic). It's the store brand (i assume) for a grocery chain called Jewel Osco, or if you had the same first impression as me, a strung out hippie folk singer with crooked teeth working in a pharmacy. It's actually a pretty nice and clean store though, and there are several of them in the downtown Chicago area (which i was surprised to find to be a very clean and fun city). So just like any chain grocer, this store puts out its own store brand version of several flavors of soda. That being the case, i didn't have very high expectations going in.

I picked this stuff up in a 2 liter bottle, although it is also available in cans. The label has a modern advertising style to it, silver and brown colors with a kind of space age/computerized font. Personally, i think the name needs some work. Just sounds sloppy and dumb, but these guys are just out to make money by low balling the root beer market, not wow and impress anyone. Well guess what... mission accomplished.

This stuff is less than average in every way possible. Like i said, i don't know what i was expecting, because it's not meant to be a big seller. But to better paint the picture for you, i was drinking this stuff from a Styrofoam cup in line at the airport while i was waiting to go through the security checkpoint since i couldn't take it on the plane thanks to the new regulations for liquids and gels in quantities greater than 3 oz. It was warm, and i got down about a half a liter before i had to throw the whole thing away and make my way through the security checkpoint. These are not my ideal reviewing conditions, but sometimes i just gotta make do and suffer for my craft. It's hard to be gifted. Anyway, i will say that Super Chill has a very nice aroma, almost like that of A&W, so i was hoping for the best. But other than that, it was pretty disappointing. The standard root beer flavoring was fairly sweet and sugary and it came on quite strong and faded quickly. In the end, i was just chugging carbonated sugar in an airport security line.

My official review is that Super Chill gets 3 (three) IBCs. To be completely fair, i didn't really do due diligence in my research efforts for this root beer. I picked it up, barely drank it, and discarded it so i didn't miss my flight. But to be completely honest, i don't feel that i need to. Had it been good, i would have put more effort into it. But when you get to bed at 12:30 AM and have to wake up at 3:00 in order to catch a flight at 5:00, you do what you can to make it all work. In this case, a bad root beer made my job easy. So thanks Super Chill, i guess. Anyway, Chicago is a lovely city. If you end up visiting, go see the big silver bean and eat at Lou Malanati's, but don't bother hitting up the local Jewel Osco for some Super Chill.

Brick Oven Old Fashioned Root Beer

Throughout my years as a root beer expert, i have made many associations around the country, and inevitably when i travel to Utah i am asked if i have reviewed the root beer made at and by the Brick Oven Pizza Restaurant in Provo. This restaurant has been part of Provo for the better part of the last century, or to be specific, since 1956. Back then it was known as Heaps of Pizza, but although the food is good, a "heap" of anything doesn't sound very delicious. Good call on the name change. The restaurant has a root beer factory in the basement where they have brewed their own root beer since the restaurant opened. Dinner guests can order it in a frosted mug, and according to the website, it is served free after 5:00 PM on Mondays with the purchase of a pizza. It has quite a reputation around the Utah Valley and people seem to really appreciate it up there. Plus, it is right next to the BYU campus, and the BYU mascot is named Cosmo the Cougar. It's fate that i review this root beer. So i made it a point to go back to the Brick Oven specifically to review the root beer when i last made a trip up to Utah. Unfortunately, i did not go on a Monday night, and when i went they weren't serving any from the tap in a frosty mug. Strike one. However, I was able to secure a couple of these 2 liter bottles.

This festive 2 liter bottle carries the restaurant logo and some basic information about the history of the place. It's eye catching and tasteful i suppose, but i felt like i didn't get the real experience of the root beer. I think anyone in their right mind would prefer the frosty mug to the 2 liter bottle shown here. But even with that in mind i tried not to hold it against the restaurant. Maybe it's so popular that they just simply ran out of root beer? Or maybe the factory workers had the day off and weren't brewing any root beer today? Who knows, but the real disappointment of the bottle was when i opened it. No carbonation escaping the now broken seal, no fizzy bubbles rising to the top. This root beer was flat. Strike two.

My fellow restaurant patrons and I poured the root beer over some ice (the fact that it was warm was not weighed against the root beer, it was merely circumstance) and began to taste this highly praised, highly anticipated root beer. The general consensus? Mediocre at best. I've already mentioned that it was flat (which the second bottle turned out to be as well), but other than that there was no wow, no kick, no spark of creativity in the flavor that would make me rave and rant and perpetuate the sterling reputation this thing already carries. To sum up the experience, i drank a less than average root beer. Strike three. I realize i'm being a bit harsh, and maybe i shouldn't be, but this stuff didn't live up to what everyone said about it. It simply tastes like root beer extract and sugar. It's not terrible, and aside from being completely flat, i didn't want to spit it out. But i also wasn't bowled over by it, and there are lots of other better choices, even in Utah Valley.

My official review is that Brick Oven Root Beer gets 4 (four) IBCs. The food at the restaurant was quite good and moderately priced, but the root beer doesn't live up to the hype. It's a shame too. I really wanted to like it. I even made a root beer float with it later when i got home (which you can order off the menu at the restaurant) and it was still unimpressive. [I hope that helps you Shasta.] So if you find yourself up in the Provo area, do yourself a favor and make the trip up to Hires Big H in Salt Lake. You can get a frosty mug of Hires with your meal, and i promise you that won't disappoint.

Frostie Vanilla Root Beer

I'm probably going to keep this post short. They have been running long recently, which i apologize for, and i am currently in summer school and inundated with homework at the moment. Besides, this is basically an extension of the previous review i did on Frostie Root Beer. Frostie has been around since about 1939 and is based in Temple, TX. The regular root beer is not too bad, but nothing particularly exciting. Most of what i have read about Frostie is that it isn't the same as it was back in the day. But anyway, they made another flavor of root beer which they've named Frostie Vanilla Root Beer, so obviously i had to try it.

The same Frostie label/bottle is used for the vanilla root beer, the only difference being the tan and creme colored back ground and the replacement of the mug of root beer with a big scoop of vanilla ice cream and a root beer float/sundae. Otherwise, we're dealing with the same cup of tea here (not that it contains tea; I'm not gonna fall for that again).

The name and color of this soda are a bit misleading, mainly because it should be cream colored and called cream soda. That's what this stuff is, Frostie Cream Soda. Now before we run into a big fiasco and start pointing the finger and assaulting my integrity (see last post on A&W Float for details), let me just say that 1) i am including this in my reviews because i can. So deal with it. And 2) there is nothing short of tasting this soda that would make me believe it was a cream soda. I mean, sure, i could read other reviews about it to see what other reviewers think, but starting this blog was based entirely on the fact that these other self appointed experts have no idea what they are talking about. Hence, i cannot trust them, and neither can you for that matter. So with that, i will just say, it's a good tasting cream soda. Lots of vanilla flavor and decent carbonation (which is important to me). It reminds me a lot of IBC Cream Soda, which is good and which i like, but it's not as good as IBC Root Beer. In fact, nothing is. Cream sodas are fine, but they lack the fascinating complexity of root beer, which is yet another reason i don't care to review them (on purpose).

My official review is that Frostie Vanilla Root Beer gets 5 (five) IBCs. It's not bad for not being a real root beer. I don't begrudge it at all, i just wish it wasn't afraid to say what it really is. There's nothing wrong with being a cream soda. I just don't want one of my daughters to date one. Know your place cream soda. That's all i'm saying.

A&W Float

This one is not hard to find. I picked it up at the Pop Shop because i only had to buy one of them, but these are sold at a lot of the grocery stores in 4 or 6-packs (not sure which). The A&W Float is a drink that is part of a new line that is coming out of "float flavors". Only two flavors currently exists, but from the looks of the site, more should be soon to follow. The idea is that these flavors are combined with ice cream into an old timey float that you can enjoy on the go. Check out the site for info on the Sunkist Float, which i think would be good because it's like an orange creamsicle, the most sensual of frozen ice cream treats (in my opinion, which is the right opinion). I have seen this... for the lack of a better term, "root beer product" for a while now, but have been hesitant to review it. I am trying to maintain a site dedicated to reviewing only root beers, although i have already reviewed several i don't know if i would classify as root beer. It's interesting though, the timing of this post, because i was just about to explain how i don't review anything other than root beers when i got a request from my extremely huge fan-base to review a sarsaparilla. First of all, i don't usually interact with my fan-base. I prefer to be the all knowing, unseen genius in your eyes who chooses to disassociate myself from all of you because i am so much better than you (no offense, but it's true). So while i do appreciate comments and requests of this nature that show your loyalty, please don't expect responses to them. After all, i'm a busy guy. But as i said, that is interesting that this request should come at this time because i was just about to explain with this post how i went back and forth with this product for several months because i didn't know if it was technically a root beer. I finally decided to let it slide through because these decisions are at my discretion, and i like to treat my root beers like i am a bouncer at a club. If you're pretty enough or you slip me a few bucks under the table, i might just let you join the party. But on that note, i'm just gonna lay it down for all of you so you can know what to expect. I review root beers. Although they are close in nature, i do not review sarsaparillas, cream sodas, or diet root beers. I just want to keep the integrity of the blog, and anything that makes it onto this site has been highly scrutinized by me and found worthy to be reviewed, because to be completely honest, i don't get paid to do this (yet). I just don't want my amazing talent and fantastic discerning powers to go to waste is all. So i'm sorry, but i only do root beers. Does that make me a bad person? I mean, it's not like i blew up Megaton City or anything, and it's not that i don't like sarsaparillas and cream sodas, because i do. I just don't review them is all. I would direct anyone who's interested in sarsaparillas or creme sodas, or even diet root beers, to the Pop Shop. They have a very large selection.

This is kind of a funky bottle. It has a curvy and sensual bottle shape ("stop saying sensual"). The difference in shape only makes it an 11.5 oz. bottle instead of the typical 12 oz. The label is very fancy and colorful. I think they are trying for the old 50's style writing and advertising to give it an old fountain shop look. Lots of browns and tans, cream colors, etc. The A&W label is prominently displayed on what appears to be a sign you would see outside an old diner on the side of the road. This label definitely catches the eye, and i am sure most of you have seen this in grocery stores before because it almost jumps out at you.

I'll be honest... i don't really like this stuff. It's not bad, but it doesn't really taste like root beer at all. All i can taste is a pina colada. Weird, i know. And it's sweet. In fact, it's too sweet. Plus it is completely uncarbonated. It's almost like drinking a pina colada Sobe. There is a lot of text on the bottle, mostly the nutritional facts. There is a lot that goes into this thing, and it's not surprising that it only has a shelf life of 6 months. In other words, this is basically a step away from the "all natural" selection of root beers i just reviewed. Not sure what is in it that makes me think it's a pina colada, which is fine cuz i like pina coladas, just not in my root beer. Maybe it's the cream they use. Hmmm...

My official review is that A&W Float gets 4 (four) IBCs. It's not at all what i expected, and i am kind of disappointed that i let it slide through to be classified as a "root beer". Technically, i think it would probably be more of a cream soda, which is what held me back from reviewing it in the first place. The girl at the register of the Pop Shop said she really likes the Sunkist Float a lot better than this one. So maybe i would suggest you get your hands on one of those instead, or even better, on an ice-cold, delicious, never disappointing IBC.

Addendum: *sigh*... i hate that i even have to try and defend myself on this seeing as i assumed it was amply explained in the body of the post, but i have recently come under fire regarding my decisions about what to classify as a root beer. Here is a quick list of guidelines i follow when choosing root beers to review:

1) It's my blog and i'm a freaking expert. That's why you come to my blog.

i told you it was a quick list.

Here's what you need to know... i review root beers. If it's on my blog, i have classified it as a root beer. The historical similarities between root beer and sarsaparilla? What, did you go to root beer college or something? You think my readers care about that kind of trivial nonsense when they're just looking for a decent root beer? Really? These people are sheep, and i am merely the shepherd directing them toward great taste and away from anything made by a hippie.

Look, i can see how this can get very lengthy. All i will say is that after months of deliberation i decided to let this one slide through because it carries the A&W name and those who drink it are made to believe it is made with A&W root beer (see floats.com). We all know there are many ways to flavor a root beer (including using sarsaparilla), but if you call it a sarsaparilla, then to me it's not a root beer anymore (i have a pie chart that proves it). If there were no difference between the two drinks, i wouldn't like AJ Stephen's Root Beer and hate AJ Stephen's Sarsaparilla. And anyone who names their soda Hosmer Mountain Sarsaparilla Root Beer is clearly retarded. Stop trying to confuse people. Just pick one. (But just so you know, i would probably still review it).

And for the record, my name is Jonathan.