Fiz Roc City Root Beer

I heard recently about a writing exercise in the book Bird by Bird which instructs you to describe a school lunch. The one that immediately sprang to mind for me was in middle school. I was probably in 6^th or 7^th grade at the time. Like most schools, our school lunch options were rather lack luster and I often brought a lunch from home as my parents rarely gave me money for school lunch. But the most popular school meal for us at that time was easily pizza day. The cafeteria would make homemade pizza on big rectangular cookie sheets and cut and serve square slices to all the kids who bought lunch that day. If you were lucky you got an edge piece, and a corner piece was like winning the lottery. To my memory the pizza was mediocre at best, but all the kids who ate it acted like it was the best pizza they had ever tasted, exacerbated by the fact that our small town had really only two pizza restaurants so there wasn’t much to compare it to. This particular lunch day I had neither a lunch I brought from home nor money to buy school lunch. I simply went to lunch with my peers with no thought of how or what I would eat. I don’t know if I thought someone would take care of me but I definitely had the feeling I should be eating some pizza with my classmates even though I had no way of procuring anything. I sat next to my friend named Jake and did the thing which I still have a tendency to do, which is to determine something I think is funny to me and proceed to annoy everyone around me incessantly until consequences intervene to put an end to my shenanigans. I don’t recall exactly what I was doing to Jake, but for sure it was annoying and I got what was coming to me. I was pestering Jake, probably about getting him to share some of his pizza, and it got to the point where I was the only one thinking we were all having fun and laughing and Jake had had enough. The actual inciting incident escapes me, but after one too many annoyances Jake palmed his pizza square and shoved it directly into my face. He mashed it back and forth a bit and then got up and left the table. I started laughing, probably initially out of shock and then out of embarrassment, but he wasn’t laughing and no one else around me was laughing. I then quickly shifted to subtly and then uncontrollably crying. People around me took notice and some kids speculated it was because the pizza was hot and burning my face. I didn’t correct them, but I can say it was more so that I was completely embarrassed by my friend for my stupid antics. It was humiliating and I learned a valuable lesson that day; stop being so damn annoying all the time. Sadly, this is a lesson I have learned many more times after this. Just usually without having pizza shoved in my face. So there. That’s my lunch story. Was it worth it? Probably not. 

This is one of those root beers i could have sworn i have already reviewed. I see this one around during my root beer escapades and research efforts. Most notably the last time i likely saw this was at our local Rocket Fizz shop, which is probably where i found this one. Fiz Roc City Root Beer is bottled by College Club Beverages in Rochester, NY. I found Facebook and Instagram pages for College Club Beverages, both of which put in the bare minimum effort to even say the same of the venture. I don't use any social media whatsoever and generally eschew all forms of it so i didn't really delve into either of these internet searches, mostly out of defiance, but also largely because i can't pretend to care about all the bottlers out there. The one bit of info i did glean from my very sparing research is that College Club Beverages is family owned and operated and has been in business since 1922.They have a variety of flavors, though i couldn't list any of them or point you to any websites where you could browse or buy any of them. But like i said, i see this one all the time when i am looking and i would have bet you anything i had already reviewed it. But like so many others i probably just bought it and buried in the back of my fridge and didn't give it another thought. 

This comes in a fairly standard 12 oz. clear glass bottle. The label is super duper simple and minimal. I think the background color of the label may change based on what flavor soda you are purchasing/consuming, but otherwise there is basically nothing to it. And i'm just gonna cut to the chase cuz i don't have much else to say about this... it's bad. It doesn't taste like root beer. It doesn't taste like anything. It's very thin and watery with a hint of cane sugar. It tastes like brown. It tastes like chemicals. It tastes like sadness. It tastes like failure. It's not good. Not even a little bit. The only redeeming quality is that it doesn't taste so offensive as to make me want to vomit or to commit violence against my fellow man. And that's really all that can be said about this. To quote Sean Hannity, it's a travesty. 

My official review is that Fiz Roc City Root Beer gets 2 (two) IBCs. It has been a long time since i've had a root beer this terrible. I can only imagine the rest of their flavors follow suit. Something tells me the recipe has changed over time because there is no way a company stays in business since 1922 peddling garbage like this. If you come across this one, DO NOT BOTHER. It is an utter failure and a disappointment to all other root beers. 

Labrador Root Beer

My daughter asked me something that really made me think the other day. We were outside walking down to the street corner to see some river stones which had been painted for Halloween and she asked, "Daddy, are birds good?" I wasn't sure what she meant at first and thought perhaps she was asking if they are good to eat. So i said, "what do you mean by that?" And she replied, "you know... for the world." 

Mind totally blown. 

I have never really stopped and pondered on this fundamental question; Are birds good for the world? I mean, from everything i can tell it's all signs point to yes, right? Birds are good for the world. Sure we all have experiences with birds which may be unpleasant. For example, pigeons are fairly reviled, but still, I kicked one once just for the fun of it and it is still a source of shame for me. So, you know, that one backfired on me. And i lived near peacocks in my teens and they used to crap on my car, which i didn't appreciate. 

Oh, and when i lived in Florida i parked my car at work under some telephone lines and when i came out after work my car looked like this. So i think there is evidence that could be presented that birds are in fact NOT good for the world. I just haven't heard any salient arguments against birds, but i am open to the notion. SOOO... i guess this is your call to action? Go out there and present your case for why birds are not good for the world. I'm eager to see where my blindspots are in regards to this inquiry. 

Alfred Hitchcock... i'd like to get his take on the birds question. Him and Sully Sullenberger. Probably some interesting insights from both those gentlemen…

Anyway, i suppose it's time to get another review in the books. I am cleaning out my fridge and the end is in sight, but i still have a few to go. Labrador Root Beer is another soda distributed by Rocket Fizz. I thought this might have been Canadian at first because i am pretty sure there is a region or territory of Canada near Nova Scotia and Newfoundland called Labrador. But it's not from Canada. It's from America. And that's about all the info i have on this root beer. It comes in a 12 oz brown glass bottle and I like the label. It's very professional and has a gorgeous image of a labrador retriever, i assume. I know nothing about dogs or dog breeds. But it is a nice photo realistic image and next to its head is what looks like the end of a shotgun shell that says "Champion Of The USA". So there's that. 

The label also says this root beer is "all natural" and distinctly says "butterscotch". You know what this root beer doesn't taste like? You guessed it; butterscotch. When my son cracked the cap using his swiss army knife bottle opener for the first time the initial aroma i was hit with was black licorice. That's what the label should have said; "black licorice", cuz that's what it tastes like. Not butterscotch. Not even a little bit. I almost got the distinct flavor of mint when first drinking it, perhaps wintergreen, but the more i drank it the less it tasted like that and the more the anise flavor crept in. And now that's all i can taste. And the sad part is i started off liking this quite a bit and ended up thinking i will never try this root beer again. Just straight up flip flopped on this one. 

My official review is that Labrador Root Beer gets 4 (four) IBCs. I am not in the best mood right now with the way this one toyed with my emotions like that and i was really teetering on the edge of giving this one a 3, but it probably deserves at least a 4. But don't go bragging about it around town Labrador, it's nothing to be proud of. The one takeaway from this whole experience is that at least now i can definitively say that this root beer is NOT good for the world. 

Sonoran Root Beer

Wow... July has been a whirlwind, and all i can really say is that i know i have been missed and i am sorry for delaying my research notes for all of you. But i have a special treat for you today. Sonoran Root Beer is brewed right here in good ol' Phoenix, AZ (specifically, in Scottsdale) at the Pinnacle Peak Patio Steakhouse. I was tipped off by a lady i work with named Merlyn. Suffice it to say, she's awesome. The brewery makes several types of unique beers for the restaurant as well as Sonoran Root Beer. The brewery used to also make another kind of root beer called Watt's root beer which is no longer in production. However, i actually talked to Zach, one of the brewmasters at Sonoran (cuz that's the kind of pull i have in the local root beer circles), and he told me that he just recently started rebottling Sonoran and that once he gets this thing going again that he has ideas for lots of other root beer recipes he wants to try out. Nice dude. I only talked to him on the phone, but after talking to him and having never seen him in real life, i'd have to say he probably looks strikingly similar to this. Or this. Or maybe this. Anyway, Sonoran can now be purchased at the Pop Shop as well as from the restaurant where the brewery is located.

Sonoran comes in 22 oz. brown glass bottles, so it's a little bit larger serving than you might be used to. The label feature's a cool, kickin' it cactus with sunglasses and a big mug of root beer. Living in the desert, you get your fair share of exposure to cactus of all temperaments, from happy, to angry, to paranoid. You just gotta roll with it really. But anyway, other than that, the label is quite simple. It uses a lot of bright colors and has the Sonoran Brewing Company brand proudly displayed, so there's really no mistaking it. The big bottle was nice so i could share with my wife, although i don't think she appreciated the root beer much since she was sick at the time. All she kept saying was, "i can't taste anything", at which point she was promptly cut off. So luckily i had plenty left over for the review.

The ingredients listed on the label show that this root beer is quite simple. It tastes like root beer, which is a good thing for a root beer to taste like, and has a blend of other flavors in it. The root beer is made with sonoran desert honey, vanilla, and artificial flavors, but in the end it all just tastes like smarties to me. There was another root beer i reviewed in my what is now ENORMOUS collection of documented root beer explorations, but i can't quite pinpoint which one it is. But the bottom line is that i liked it. It's quite sweet, but still very good. The root beer taste it starts with is kind of overshadowed by the sweet, candy aftertaste, but i didn't find it overpowering or unlikeable.

My official review is that Sonoran Root Beer gets 7 (seven) IBCs. It's a good root beer. I dig the 22 oz. bottles and i am excited to see if Zach follows through with some more concoctions for me to review/promote for him for free. I'm just hoping that once he makes it big, i'll be compensated on the back end. But do yourself a favor and swing by the Pop Shop and grab a bottle. It's decent stuff.

Steaz Organic Sparkling Green Tea Root Beer

Well, this will round out the natural/organic root beer run i made at Whole Foods, and this has to be by far the weirdest one i've encountered. Steaz is a brand or organic beverages from the Healthy Beverage Company of Newton, PA. They make a variety of different drinks in several flavors, all of which contain green tea. I don't know how long they've been around, but thanks to a little research on this site, i do know that the company was started by a couple guys named Eric Schnell and Steve Kessler. These two guys decided to name their drink "Steaz" because they combine "sodas" with "teas". They use a z because they think it looks stylish. I'll give you credit for being somewhat clever, though i don't think you exerted yourselves all that much. However, the name Steaz makes me think of "skeez", as in, "that guy is a total skeez", and that makes me think these guys are kinda shady. Another reason i think that is because they rave excessively about how much good in the world they are doing. I mean, these guys love to toot their own horn about how they donate to causes that benefit Sri Lanka, the Sudan, cancer survivors, paying fair wages to farmers, and reducing the carbon foot print. Sure, you can say they are all noble causes, and i am not disputing that. I am just saying that those who yell the loudest usually have something to hide. Could it be that what they really do all day is sit around in a shack smoking opium and listening to trance music? That seems more likely. You may be asking yourself, "what would ever give you that idea Cosmo?" Just take a look at their website. Seriously, i feel like i'm trapped in a bad Enigma video, or like i'm the first one to arrive at a cult recruitment meeting wondering where everyone else is and why my head suddenly is starting to feel funny.

The 12 oz. clear glass bottles of their "root beer" have a fairly basic, yet high end look to them. There is the brand logo itself printed above a row of overflowing root beer mugs. Although there is a lot of text involved just in writing the name, it doesn't look too busy and isn't off putting. So like i said, it's pretty basic, but it also looks quite professional. Apparently this stuff is pretty popular because they make enough money to sponser a fairly high end website, some decent marketing and packaging, and lots of cash to throw at charities.

As mentioned before, all the drinks made by Steaz contain green tea. That being the case, i don't think they should really call this stuff soda, or even root beer. It's tea. It looks like tea, it tastes like tea, and it even calls itself tea. Does it taste like root beer? Vaguely. And maybe the joke is on me and i just misunderstood, but this stuff isn't root beer. It's tea. Like Santa Cruz Organic, this stuff is also sweetened with organic evaporated cane juice. It also claims to be far better for you than soda. That's because it's parading as something it is not. Tea combined with soda? It's not soda. Not at all. Or maybe i was just confused when i bought it. I was expecting a tea infused soda. But what i got was a "root beer" flavored tea. And on that matter, let me just say that people have combined tea with other flavors to create raspberry tea, cinnimon tea, and even peppermint tea, which are all acceptable. But i have a suggestion for the tea industry in general; don't combine your tea with root beer. Just don't do it.

My official review is that Steaz Green Tea Root Beer gets 2 (two) IBCs. It's not that this stuff is terrible tasting. It's that it's not a root beer. And i don't particualy like tea, so that already counts me out. There is also a note on the bottle about natual settling that may occur for this drink. I found as i drank down to the bottom of the bottle, it becomes more and more tea flavored. Also, the colder it is, the better tasting it is (if any of you are still interested). They claim it's good for you, but i won't be buying it again, and i suggest you get yourself a real root beer also.

Santa Cruz Organic Root Beer

You must be getting tired of these natural root beers, but i only have a couple more to review. This one is called Santa Cruz Organic Root Beer. Santa Cruz Natural is a company dedicated to making several products, from fruit juices to peanut butter, using organic sources. The company is based in Chico, CA and has been around since the early 1970s. In addition to making products from all natural sources, Santa Cruz Organic is a big proponent of the green movement. I think up until now i have made myself fairly clear about my stance on hippies, but i rarely (if ever) mention anything about the green movement, which was started primarily by hippies (or more-so, the children of hippies). This might offend people, but i think we can all agree my influence in the root beer circles excuses my opinions that some may find offensive. Anyway, let's start this with a question. "Hey Cosmo, how do you feel about the green movement?" Well, i'll tell you. The green movement is a marketing scheme. The word "green" to me is synonymous with "expensive". Have you noticed that "green" products are usually more expensive than their "non-green" competitive counterparts? I thought going green was supposed to save money. Why does saving the Earth have to be so expensive? Seriously? And why has EVERYTHING turned green in the past three to five years? Because it's a marketing scheme, that's why. They guilt you into saving the planet by buying more expensive "green" products. I'm sick of green products. Now before you work yourself into a tizzy, let me make myself clear; I'm not saying you should go out and club a baby seal and pour oil all over it's dead body. I'm just saying get off my back if once in a while i like to unwind by dumping toxic waste on a pile of kittens. Hey, it's my prerogative. I'm an American! Anyway, sorry about that. Let's talk about root beer some more. The can it came in has a very basic design. The color scheme is composed of green and white for all the soda flavors, and there is a picture of the plant of flavor of the soda somewhere on the can. The root beer has a picture of a couple old barrels of root beer made from real organic wood sources, or at least they should be or Santa Cruz is a dirty liar. The rest of the can is covered in text, mostly about being organic and natural and all of that. It's basic and simple, and i am impartial to it. It doesn't jump out at me and i am not repulsed by it. Not much else to say about it really. My only other experience with a self proclaimed "organic" root beer ended very badly, so i was expecting the worst when i popped the top on this sucker. I was relieved to find that it's not as terrible as i was led to believe all organic root beers are, but it's still very typical tasting of a natural root beer. It has light carbonation and is sweetened with something called "organic evaporated cane juice", which actually has it's own website. The root beer taste is really quite subtle, and the after taste is basically non-existent. It almost reminds me of Olde Rhode Island Root Beer, in that the taste disappears after drinking it so quickly. Plus, it has a taste that reminds me of herbal tea. Basically all i end up really tasting in the end is the sugar and herbal tea taste. And the big kicker is that the root beer itself is actually clear. Yup, it's like the Crystal Pepsi of root beer.

My official review is that Santa Cruz Organic Root Beer gets 3 (three) IBCs. Like i said, i am leaning more toward putting it in the same category as Olde Rhode Island, but being a natural/organic soda, i'm coming down on it a little harder than i did with ORI. It doesn't taste bad, but it's completely unimpressive. Plus, it's affiliation with the green movement isn't helping it's reputation any...

Whistler Classic Sodas Lemon Root Beer

Sam's Club. A membership store full of good deals, items sold in bulk, and ornery customers. My wife and i took our kids with some of their neighborhood friends to Sam's Club recently to get some ice cream. Just a little treat as we are heading into Fall Break. The cafe at Sam's Club offers some good deals on some not great food. I concede Costco is much much better in regards to the food offerings they serve at the cafe, but we don't have a Costco membership. We have Sam's Club, with it's inferior pizza but decent hot dogs. And because the food is so affordable from the cafe, the lines are always so so long. The day we went recently was no exception. There were a lot of people waiting for their food and the staff at the cafe was visibly busy working behind the counter to fill all the orders. One customer in particular was very vocal about his discontent regarding the situation. He continually harassed the employees, asking where his order was even though he was clearly standing behind multiple other people who simply stood quietly and waited for their food. The staff told him they were doing the best they could and they would get his order out once they finished all the orders before him. But that wasn't good enough. He just wouldn't let it drop. That's when my wife spoke up. This isn't common for her to do, so i was surprised by it, but she simply told the guy they were doing the best they could and that he didn't need to talk to them like that. For the record, i was and am completely on the side of my wife and she was handling the situation differently than i would have. I would have just ignored the guy, but she chose to engage him and was telling it straight. She didn't need any help from me, so I sat back and paid attention to the conversation. The guy kept getting heated as they argued but my wife remained calm and kept assuring him they are doing their best and it's not like they are sitting in the back smoking or not working, they were clearly all hands on deck at this point. 

"Then they need more people," the guy exclaimed. "They should go get more help." 

"What do you want them to do about that? They are all working", my wife replied.

"Then do you want to go back there and help them?" the guy asked snidely. 

"No, but if you're that worried about it maybe you can go talk to a manager and get them some help, but i think you should just leave them alone cuz they are working."

Then the guy throws a, "that's cuz you're an idiot" at my wife. 

I had been patiently sitting and listening to this exchange waiting for this, the moment it escalated when i would be forced to say something. "Hey, easy guy." That's all i said. I was previously invisible to him as he was focused on arguing with this woman in line. But when the guy made eye contact with me i saw the realization wash over his face that the woman he was talking to at that point was my wife. He then turned around and didn't say another word. Now, i'm a classic weakling and a coward with no skills when it comes to physical confrontation, which is why i wouldn't have engaged this guy at all. And i don't consider myself a threatening presence in the least, but i was a good foot taller, probably 50-60 pounds heavier and at least 10 years younger than this guy. But more than our physical differences, what this guys actions said to me is that this guy is comfortable throwing his weight around when talking to a 100 pound woman but wouldn't say those kinds of things to another man. A true coward.

Just at that moment the guy's wife walks up to catch the tail end of this standoff. She doesn't say anything to us and goes up to her husband and they quietly talk to one another. Soon after their ice creams arrive and they collect them and walk past us. As they do, i look away trying to avoid further confrontation. My wife looks at them and smiles. And i didn't see it, but my wife says, "oh, don't roll your eyes at me," to the wife of this guy. She is much bigger than my wife (and her husband for that fact) and she squares up to my wife and shouts, "F*** you, Karen!" She and my wife exchange a couple more words and her husband mutters, "let's just go," and they both saunter off. This is the end of that whole confrontation, but it's one of those ones where you sit and think about it for hours afterward. What i would have said had i thought of it in the moment is that lady is 100% using that term wrong. SHE is calling MY WIFE a Karen? SHE'S the one who has the husband complaining because Sam's Club isn't making his $1.60 ice cream fast enough. I'm convince she has that 180 degrees flipped. What did my wife wish she said? "You're just mad because your husband can't pick you up." A bit of a low blow, but given the abuse she endured i would have allowed it. However, I told her if she would have said that this lady would have charged her, and i'm not sure i could have pulled her off. Anyway, i guess the moral of this story is don't be mean to people unless they deserve it. 

Sorry for my pointless meandering story there but i was looking for a way to pad this review. This is another root beer sent to me by my friend in Minnesota. Whistler Classic Sodas are made in Spring Lake Park, MN and distributed by Blue Sun Bottling. One of the flavors they offer is a Lemon Root Beer. I found a Facebook page for the company because the website listed on the bottle led me to this site which says the domain is for sale (and not really a bargain if you ask me). I personally don't care to traffic much on Facebook and don't have a profile on that platform, but it looks like a fun little operation. The 12 oz clear glass bottle has a fun shape to it, all twisty and stuff (like that guy's ice cream from Sam's Club) but the label is pretty sad.

The Whistler logo is on the bottle... and that's about it. The defunct website is listed near the bottom of the bottle and on the back is a barcode and some info about the bottling company. That's all. The only way to tell this is root beer is by looking at the cap to see a poorly printed and lazily placed sticker with the flavor and very difficult to make out ingredients listed. This was not impressive to me in the least. I like the logo but from the slap-dash nature of this i thought someone threw some root beer in a random recycled bottle. I will say though that the piss poor labeling does not match the caliber of the taste of this soda. This is a good tasting soda. It's very sweet with a pervasive lemon backbone to the flavor. The carbonation is good and it has a nice, sweet finish. I think my main criticism of it is similar to the last root beer i reviewed; i would not call this a root beer. The flavor of this doesn't remotely resemble that of a classic or even rudimentary root beer. It tastes like a candy or a dessert. Again, it's good, but it ain't root beer. 

My official review is that Whistler Classic Sodas Lemon Root Beer gets 6 (six) IBCs. I really did enjoy this soda, which was refreshing considering i expected to hate it. But i deliberately called it a "soda" and not a "root beer". It's just not even in the same category. Had it even a hint of root beer essence to it i would have rated it a 7 or an 8, cuz this is a good soda. I'd be eager to try some of the other flavors in their selection. However, i am gonna be firm on this account. If you're going to call it root beer it needs to taste at least somewhat like root beer. 

Freddie's Old Fashioned Root Beer

This is gonna be another quick one. Sorry, but i have a bunch of these in my fridge and need to get through them. I presume some of you, my loyal readers, actually prefer to not read any of my blathering run-on sentences i've been writing about my life lately, but i guess i wouldn't know since i truly don't care to read any of your comments or just generally interact with you at all. So with that, let's talk about Freddie's Old Fashioned Root Beer. I found this at my local Fry's grocery store, which is my preferred grocery shopping market. Freddie's is bottled in Frankfort, KY by Buffalo Trace Distillery. I have heard a lot about Buffalo Trace Whiskey as they are frequent sponsors on the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast, but i have not indulged in the whiskey itself. I'm lead to believe that it's quite good, though i wouldn't know a good whiskey from a bad one if someone asked me. But it looks like this is the line of craft sodas that Buffalo Trace is responsible for. And since i can't weigh in on the whiskey, I guess i'll just have to see what this root beer holds.

The traditional 12 oz brown glass bottle has some fun labels attached, including one around the neck saying "Isn't that neat?". Well, it is in fact neat, as well as the little thumbs up on the cap and the profile image of a balding man wearing glasses and saying "Hey Daddy-o". It's fun and lively, so props for that Freddie's. A little harder to read at the bottom of the label is an informal ingredients list boasting the use of natural herbs, oil of birch and imported vanilla. The formal ingredients list says this stuff is sweetened with cane sugar and/or high fructose corn syrup. Not really sure how to take that. I guess they are covering all the bases with that statement. 

Well, whatever they sweeten this stuff with they did a decent job. This is a solid root beer all the way through. It has a classic, traditional root beer base with a sweet, creamy vanilla finish. The carbonation is a bit light for my taste, but otherwise it's very matter of fact. This is a root beer and it makes no qualms about it. Maybe my only criticism is that the flavor isn't distinct. I have no confidence that i could pick this out of a lineup. But that fact aside, i'm sure if i did a blind taste test of this root beer i would come to the conclusion that it's great even if i couldn't tell you what brand it was. 

My official review is that Freddie's Old Fashioned Root Beer gets 7 (seven) IBCs. Another great outing for a random root beer tucked away in my fridge. I am a fan of this stuff, and it seems to be popping up lots of places i have seen in my regional travels around the country so it is fairly readily available from what i can tell. Buffalo Trace is well known for putting a lot of time and effort into crafting their signature whiskey and i could say that seems to be the case for their root beer as well. Well done you. Go ahead and give this one a shot if you get the chance.

1919 Classic American Root Beer

This one will be short and sweet. Still on my quest to get through all the root beers in my fridge and this one was sitting right in front and looking so enticing. A friend of mine mailed me a care package full of root beers i have yet to review, which was very kind of her. 1919 Classic American Root Beer has been around since the beginning of Prohibition (which began in 1919) when breweries were faced with the dilemma of shifting operations to start making non-alcoholic beverages. Many breweries began making sodas, including the brewery that began making this one. This root beer hales from the northern MidWest region of the United States. New ULM Brewing and Beverage Co. operates out of Sleepy Eye, MN today and brews this soda to distribute to the surrounding areas. I got what is commonly referred to as a "tall boy" can, which is 16 oz. compared to the traditional 12 oz. can or bottle. That just means there is more of this to share with your wife and kids when you try it out for yourself. This is also available in bottles, growlers and even kegs if you're somewhere near where this is brewed. I really dig the label. It's simple but elegant and has bright pops of red to accentuate the design. Very tasteful.

Speaking of taste, this stuff packs it in. The recipe calls for real sugar and real vanilla, which gives this root beer a nice, solid, sweet and creamy flavor. The vanilla finish is a real treat. The website says this is great for root beer floats, which i don't doubt because this basically tastes like a root beer float already. In fact, it's so good that the website says it should only be had as a treat once in a while and shouldn't be consumed regularly. Kind of a refreshing take from the people who make this stuff. I'm really impressed with how good it is.

My official review is that 1919 Classic American Root Beer gets 9 (nine) IBCs. I mean... wow... this one is a treat. It's been a loooonnngg time since i've had a 9 come along and this one took me by surprise. My only wish is that i could get some locally, but i am nowhere near the northern MidWest region of the United States and don't know when i will ever get up to that area. So if you are feeling like making a pilgrimage or happen to stumble across some of this stuff then do yourself a favor and grab a few for a real solid root beer experience. 

Red Rock Root Beer

I'm gonna go on a bit of a rant here, but i gotta say this because it's probably the most important issue our culture is facing right now. 

Literally; in a literal sense or manner: such as
a) in a way that uses the ordinary or primary meaning of a term or expression.
b) used to emphasize the truth and accuracy of a statement or description.
c) with exact equivalence: with the meaning of each individual word given exactly.
d) in a completely accurate way.

This word (literally) has completely captured our cultural vernacular. This word is used everywhere by everyone all the time, and i'm here to say that it has to stop. The criticism against using the word "literally" used to be that it was being used incorrectly, i.e. "i'm so hungry that i could literally eat a horse." Clearly that's hyperbole and someone, regardless of their current stage of hunger, would not be able to consume and digest an entire horse in any reasonable amount of time allotted for a meal. So the correction was to use this word only when describing something in the context with letter b) above, to emphasize a point. But it has become over saturated at this point. Passively listen to any conversation. I mean any conversation. It could be watching a scripted TV show, or listening to a podcast, or overhearing people talking on the street or at the park or in a store. Count how many times one of the people in the conversation uses the word "literally" and you will see what i mean. Everyone is saying it. Everyone, everywhere, all the time (like that movie that came out recently that i didn't see). Your neighbor is saying it, your pastor is saying it, your news anchor is saying it, your child is saying it, you are saying it. Everywhere. All the time. It's crazy how captivated our culture is by this word. I was ruminating on this idea after witnessing my 4 year old niece say the word "literally" (in correct context mind you, i.e. to emphasize a point) probably 3-4 times in one short conversation with her mom. It's gotten out of hand. And i am not immune to this. I am saying this word all the time just like everyone else, but i'd like to stop. 

Here's the thing... people don't like being told what to do (or in this case, what not to do). So coming right out and telling people to stop saying the word "literally" likely won't have any effect. I think the only thing that can be done to draw attention to this issue is to double down. So now, whenever i hear someone say the word "literally" in a conversation i just repeat the word aloud for all to hear. For example, let's say i overhear you talking while standing in a line. I don't know you and i am just near you where i am in earshot of you and vice versa. You: "This cashier is so slow. I have been standing in line for literally (me: "literally") 10 minutes. I could have literally (me: "literally") been back at work by now." On it's face, it's annoying. Some weirdo you don't know chiming in on your conversation to just repeat the word "literally" after you've said it. You probably wouldn't think much of it. Now imagine the same scenario, but now everyone around you says it right after you've said it. You say the word "literally" in a casual conversation and then 10 or more people around you all say "literally" aloud for everyone to hear. It would carry much more weight and draw your attention to the scenario. I know it seems counter intuitive, but i think the only way out of this is through overuse and over saturation to the point where everyone is aware and everyone is sick of hearing this word. Now, that's Phase 1 of this plan. Phase 2 is much harder. You have to stop using the word yourself. Don't get down on yourself when you say "literally" to emphasize a point because it has completely invaded our psyche at this point and it's a natural go to when forming a sentence. We are all saying it which means we are all thinking it, so to correct this behavior we have to correct the way we think about how we speak. Like mentioned above, most of the time we are using this phrase to emphasize that what are saying is in fact true. I have tried replacing that word with something like "genuinely", "truly", or "sincerely". Or honestly, it's simple enough to just remove the word "literally" from whatever sentence you are about to say and your statement would not only be grammatically correct, it would still convey what you're trying to say. So how about it gang? Are we gonna do this?

Ok, rant concluded. Let's talk root beer. I think my friend Alysia sent this to me but i don't remember exactly where i got it. Red Rock Root Beer has been around since 1885 (according to the label) and hails from Atlanta, GA. There isn't much about this company from a simple google search and even the source of all truth has limited info about this company. Sounds like they started out with a ginger ale and were popular during the early turn of the 20th century but fell off almost entirely around the 1950's. Even the label is pretty sparse on the info. Speaking of the label, it's pretty cheap looking. It's just a clear sticker poorly affixed to a clear 12 oz glass bottle. Really no frills with this label. I actually like the little sticker on the neck of the bottle which seems more true to the 1950's style logos of that time. The new label is just so bland that i have nothing else to say about it. 

Cracking the cap released a pleasant enough aroma of caramel which is prominent in the taste. Other than that, it's quite "thin" (as i often describe the taste on these types of root beers) and has a not terrible but not great aftertaste. It is sweet from the cane sugar but ultimately lacks even a basic root beer flavor. It tastes like a soft caramel candy cube that my wife enjoys, yet it is still somehow less satisfying. I don't want to give the impression that this stuff is bad because it's not. But it's also not good. It's very... blah. Maybe why the company went out of business but doesn't explain why it was resuscitated. 

My official review is that Red Rocks Root Beer gets 4 (four) IBCs. It's not that i don't like the way it tastes, it's more that it doesn't really even taste like a root beer. It's just a sugar soda. I have already said more about this than the entire wikipedia entry, just more opinion and frivolous nonsense and less factual information. If you wanted to get this stuff i don't even know where to tell you to look. But i'd truly, sincerely, genuinely say don't bother because there are so many other root beers out there that are better than this. Literally. 

B.Stiff & Sons Old Fashioned Root Beer

My family is bad at communicating in general. My wife talks with her mom and sisters at least every other day if not everyday. I will send a text to my brothers and won't hear back until i track them down via a phone call or persistent pestering. On birthdays i will usually try and shoot a quick text to them not expecting to hear back and usually receiving no response. So when it came time for my father to turn 80 years old, which he did yesterday, i decided to put in more effort than just a simple text. I decided to be the good son and organize a little get together at my parents' house in St. George, UT. My brothers all agreed to make the pilgrimage from various locations both near and far to come and celebrate this momentous event in my dad's life. I didn't have a super close relationship with my dad growing up. I was the youngest of 6 kids and always viewed my dad as an uptight task master who didn't have time for me. But like many other people i have talked to at my age i would say my dad is a completely different person now. He's way more laid back and jovial as well as simply being a doddering old man. And frankly, part of what i wanted to do was to just acknowledge that my aging father is running out of birthdays so we should spend some time talking to him and gaining wisdom and insight from the man who raised and supported us. So i wrote out several questions i wanted to ask about his life and growing up. First of all, he told me he doesn't remember anything about his own life before 5th grade. My 10 year old son is currently in 5th grade, so that means by his own admission my dad doesn't remember anything from the first decade of his life. So i pivoted to ask some hard hitting questions about his later life. 

My dad's dad died in the Pacific Theater of WWII when my dad was just 2-3 years old so he has no memory of his biological father. Interestingly enough, my father was drafted into the Vietnam War at the tender age of 29, close in age to when his father enlisted in WWII. At the time he was married to my mother and had my oldest brother as a young baby. I noted how this paralleled with his own father's life and circumstances and asked if my dad ever thought about how he was leaving his young wife and new son to go fight in a war he may never come back from, repeating the cycle he himself endured. His answer to me; "Umm... no." Great. So much for wisdom and insight gained from decades of experience. That being said, we still had a lovely time and i think my father appreciated having all his children and grandchildren together in his house, regardless of the fact that it was to celebrate him. And i was happy it all went well and everyone enjoyed themselves cuz that means that by putting this all together i've cemented my place as the favorite child, which hopefully will pay dividends in the family will. Again, i'm the youngest of 6 so i gotta improve my inheritance however i can. 

I picked out this root beer for this review simply based on the name. B.Stiff & Sons Old Fashioned Root Beer is brewed by Oskar Blues Brewery in Longmont, CO. Like many local breweries they mostly deal in brewing beers and lagers but have a small line of craft sodas that they sell as well. I picked up a 6-pack of cans from a Smith's grocery store in West Jordan, UT while visiting my wife's parents a while back. I don't know much else about the brewery or the story of when it started or anything like that. Mostly because i couldn't find it on their website and don't care to look elsewhere on the internet. Some things i am content to remain a mystery to me, like this. And drag queens. I get they have an appeal and i am not negating their talents or passion, but i'm not their target audience. Mostly i think of them the way i think of Olympic curlers. They will grab my attention on first sight because it seems so new and novel. But after a few minutes of watching older men with beer bellies pushing stones and sweeping ice, i usually just end up thinking, "wait... these guys are Olympic athletes? Cuz... they don't look like athletes." And then i lose all interest. Just like drag queens. 

The can is loaded with images of mountain ranges and exhortations to recycle. Along the top of the can near the rim is says, "You can't handle the root!" and along the bottom it says "coloRADo USA". Just some fun little things about it i suppose. Other than that, it has a bland brown and black color scheme and a complete disregard for "one font to rule them all". I grabbed this one partly cuz i am talking about my dad in this post and the name of this is B.Stiff & Sons but also because it's one of the first ones i saw in my fridge. Don't know what the B.Stiff thing is about or why we have to bring his/her sons into this. I think the guy who owns the brewery is named Dale. So i'm missing the connection there, but again, i am too lazy or don't care enough to research it any more because i doubt the answer will be interesting. You know what else isn't all that interesting? The flavor of this root beer. It's a pretty standard root beer, sweetened with can sugar and a basic root beer flavor. It's a little thin and is reminiscent of several generic brands, but the nice thing is that it finishes well and doesn't leave a bad taste in your mouth. Outside of that though, i don't know that anything about this root beer makes it stand out, appealing or memorable. Just like drag queens. 

My official review is that B.Stiff & Sons Old Fashioned Root Beer gets 5 (five) IBCs. Like so so many other root beers, this one is perfectly average. Another bit of text scrawled along the rim of the can says "Nice Floats!" I wouldn't know because i didn't make or drink a float with this but i would imagine it would taste completely and wholly adequate. I don't remember the cost of this but i imagine it wasn't terribly expensive. Outside of that i don't really see a reason to ever get this stuff again. So congrats to you B.Stiff & Sons, you have achieved the height of mediocrity. 

Boots Sarsaparilla Root Beer

I recently heard an insane story that i have to share. Granted, this story is coming to me third-hand and i know none of the people involved. I heard this story from my wife's best friend Shasta. She relayed this tale to us from her sister, and this whole thing supposedly happened to one of Shasta's sister's friends. So with all that preamble i mean to say i didn't do anything more to verify this story than to hear it from Shasta so i can't cop to its veracity. Still, it's that good of a story that i have to pass it along. 
Shasta's teenaged sister has a friend that is a guy. His name is... (totally not making this up on the spot) Jamtillon, a real name. Anyway, Jamtillon is a somewhat shy kid but he has the hots for this girl in their social circle that sounds like should be named Gwendolyn. So Jamtillon works up the courage to ask her out on a first date. 

NOTE: this is a first date. Adds to the insanity. 

Jamtillon asks Gwendolyn to come with him on the Polar Express. Now, we all live in Mesa, AZ, which is a suburb of Phoenix. In Williams, AZ (the small town where i grew up) the Grand Canyon Railroad operates and serves as the lifeblood of that town by attracting tourists from all around the world and offering them an old-timey train ride up to the southern rim of the Grand Canyon for a real authentic 1800's experience. If i'm being reductionist about it i would say it's essentially turning a 1 hour drive into a 2 hour train ride for a fairly nominal fee. Anyway, to make even more money during the Holiday Season the railroad puts on a short 1+ hour ride just outside of town where they read the story of the Polar Express to all the families and kids, many of which are dressed in holiday pajamas. They have cookies and drink hot chocolate and sing songs and do that kind of stuff until they get to "the North Pole", which is just a cardboard cutout town with a few people standing outside and waving. It's both innocent and charming as well as a total waste of money and a humungous racket (again, that's the pessimistic reductionist in me talking). Anyway, it's a perfectly acceptable date except for one crucial fact. Mesa is a 3+ hour drive away from Williams, meaning they have to drive up, do the train ride, get something to eat and drive back. So you throw in a couple pit stops and bathroom breaks and this date (first date) is at minimum a 9-10 hour endeavor. Right there, this thing is doomed from the start.

Anyway, as the story goes, Jamtillon picks up Gwendolyn and begins the drive up to Williams. He is trying to be noble and avoid embarrassment by holding in his farts the whole drive. When he pulls into the train station in Williams he decides to be a gentleman and offers to get out and open the door for his date. But Jamtillon is a clever dog. He really just wants an opportunity to "blow off some steam" while his date sits in the car. What he doesn't account for is that while he walks around the back of his car to open her door, he blows off a lot more than steam. To be blunt, he drops a load in his pants. Panic washes over Jamtillon. This is a bad, bad start. But he recovers quickly when he tells Gwendolyn, "Let's go into the gift shop and get some pajamas to change into for the train!" Gwendolyn tells him she's fine in the clothes they have and doesn't want any pajamas. The train is leaving soon, so he doesn't have a lot of time to act. "Ok, well I'm going to go get some pajamas. Why don't i just meet you on the train?" He watches Gwendolyn board the train and turns to go into the gift shop. He finds a pair of pajama pants, purchases them and then proceeds to the port-a-potty outside because the bathrooms inside are being renovated. Gwendolyn grows concerned as she hears that the train is leaving soon and sees Jamtillon exit the gift shop and head into a port-a-potty. Jamtillon enters the port-a-potty and removes his pants and underwear, throwing them into the toilet as they are "unredeemable". He then unfolds his pajama pants and discovers... it's a sweatshirt. It's not pajama pants at all. He has bought the wrong thing and cannot get his pants and underwear back out of the port-a-potty. Gwendolyn looks around wildly as the train begins to pull out of the station. She keeps her eyes fixed on the port-a-potty until Jamtillon finally emerges. He is wearing the sweatshirt as pants and looks to the window where their seats are to make eye contact with Gwendolyn. And just then, the train pulls away from the station. When Gwendolyn gets back from the trip to the North Pole, Jamtillon is gone. Clearly, this is the only recourse he has at this point. No voicemail or text, no indication that he was coming back. He just ghosts her. She has to call her family to drive the 3+ hours to come pick her up. 

Now... that is the worst first date i've ever heard of, but given all that happened i think that's the only natural conclusion it could possibly have. But again, going back to the fact that this first date is at minimum 9-10 hours, i could have told you from the start that this was going to be a disaster. Which is what i thought about this root beer prior to drinking it. Boots Sarsaparilla Root Beer is brewed and bottled in Bellville, TX. The Boots Beverage Co. began as Bellville Bottling Works and was purchased by a German immigrant named Ambrose Kristen. His image is displayed on the label of the bottle along with a small snippet of the tale of his journey to Texas. Boots has a variety of flavors, each inspired by members of Ambrose's family. Ambrose earned the honor of having the root beer flavor carry his name. 

Looking at this root beer, it has all the apparent signs of a bad root beer. It's not even really trying to look its best or be enticing to people. The label is colorful and professional with all the hallmarks of several generic root beer brands. The root beer itself is also quite pale. And when i cracked the cap, the aroma i get is faintly medicinal. Not a good track record based on other root beers with similar telltale signs. I took one look at this and pegged it for pure trash. But i gotta tell you... i really was taken back by this root beer. This stuff is truly a solid root beer. It's very sweet and creamy, heavy vanilla flavor, and it's sweetened with cane sugar which gives it a nice finish. It almost tastes like a root beer float. 

My official review is that Boots Sarsaparilla Root Beer gets 8 (eight) IBCs. I really would never have looked at this without tasting it and thought it would be a top contender, and yet, here it stands among the greats of root beer. Truly as shocking to me that this is good as i am that Jamtillon would have the hubris to take a girl on a 10 hour first date. And we all see where that landed him... in a mobile toilet wearing a shirt for pants. So i admire the boldness of Boots to determinately stake their place in the root beer pantheon. This one is surprisingly one of the best root beers i've had in a long time.  

Hosmer Mountain Sarsaparilla Root Beer

On a recent visit to Bear Lake, ID for a family reunion i was formally introduced to a game from my wife's childhood called Loopin' Louie. I say formally introduced because i've heard about this game incessantly whilst never having played it on account that the childhood set belonging to my wife's family lay in a tattered box under my bed for the majority of my marriage, filled with half missing/half broken parts. It was, needless to say, useless, and as such, trash. In fact, that is where my wife rescued it from soon after we were married and she discovered that her father had thrown it out. Unrelated, my wife really likes that show Hoarders. She's seen 'em all...

Anyway, it was significant to her because it was a game she played with her now deceased grandfather with whom she had a very loving and close relationship. So i understand that. What i have a harder time understanding is the lore of the game Loopin' Louie itself. For the uninformed, Louie is a middle-aged pilot who is vaguely Germanic looking and flies an old WWI/WWII era prop-plane, and for whatever reason he really really hates chickens. Oh and also, just an aside, when the game is assembled it slightly resembles a swastika. It's a 4 player game of which the object is to protect your chickens from Louie as he blindly follows his innate instinct to fly his plane directly toward them to presumably murder them. Each player is outfitted with a different colored paddle to bump Louie's plane up and over the chicken coop to prevent a grisly death when the chickens met the business end of a propeller. Some members of my wife's family assert that the color of the paddle makes the difference. Several are in the camp of "red always wins", and indeed the winner of the family tournament was using the red paddle to claim victory. But i contested that there was no way red has an advantage. Everyone had the same opportunities and limitations because the game is pretty simplistic at the core. Yes, the only hope we had was to nudge Louie out of the way on his murderous tirade and hopefully guide him toward our opponents, inwardly hoping the death of their chickens will satiate his bloodlust for at least a few moments. But it never will... It never ever will... Louie just loops around and around to tag each chicken coop again and again. He just loops. He loops and he loops. He's Loopin' Louie. And he won't rest until every chicken is dead. Every... last... one. 
While the question of Louie's motive quickly jumps to mind and whose answer is still a mystery, i found a more interesting line of inquiry when my brother-in-law posited the question of what role we the players had in this debauchery. Were we farmers trying to protect our flocks from an insane pilot in the early stages of dementia? Were we the chickens fearing for our own lives and narrowly escaping (and sometimes not) the stinging blades of death raining down from the heavens above? But the answer, i told my brother-in-law, is so much simpler than that. You see, we're the paddles. We don't control the paddles, we ARE the paddles. It's plain to see. It doesn't matter what color you are because Louie only sees one color. Red. Not the red paddle, the color of blood. And once you realize that, only then can you truly understand Loopin' Louie. 

Like my wife with this game, i have a long and sordid relationship with the root beer. I wouldn't call this my white whale but it's been on my most wanted list for sure. I can't remember when i first even heard of this root beer but it's been at least 5 or 6 years. That makes it sound like this is some legendary root beer of yore, and i don't intend to ascribe it that. I simply mean that this is one that i have heard of but i have found difficult to find through my regular channels. Hosmer Mountain Sarsaparilla Root Beer is brewed and bottled in Willimantic, CT. This is one of an extensive line of sodas crafted by the folks at Hosmer Mountain Springs Bottling Co. The company has a long history in the area and began making sodas in 1948. It started as a family business and i think it is still run by the sons of the guy who started it. I will give them credit for longevity and adapting the business as the times dictated. And i know i'm late to the game with this one and all, but they point to a specific root beer review for confirmation of their standing within the industry, and i just gotta say... come on... we all have the same credibility here. This is just a vanity project. No one takes these things seriously, but if they did then this is really the only review that should affect the layout of your website, that's all i'm saying. 

The shape of the glass bottle is fun, it's a little different, dare i say elegant even. I like the old school paper and glue label, sticking to the old ways of doing things. The clear glass gives me a good look at how pale looking this root beer appears, though it may be no different than others. When i cracked the cap i got very little aroma and most of the carbonation escaped leaving this on the more flat side of the beverage. Not my favorite thing, but it does well to make up with the taste. This soda is sweetened with both white and brown sugar and flavored with a sarsaparilla extract. The label calls this a sarsaparilla root beer but they also offer a sarsaparilla flavored soda in their line. I wonder if any distinction is made other than the name or if they simply are identical in taste and only differ in the marketing. Regardless though, that's a good classic flavor for root beer. It feels a little thin, but still has a refreshing finish to it. I would say that by any reasonable standard this is a solid root beer. 

My official review is that Hosmer Mountain Sarsaparilla Root Beer gets 7 (seven) IBCs. This is a close contender for a score of 8, but i think it just lacks the little something to nudge it over the edge. Solid showing though, really showcasing the abilities of the Hosmer Mountain Bottling Co. I'd be very interested to try more or their 30 flavors of beverages. And perhaps if Louie had refreshed himself with a cold Hosmer Mountain beverage it may have finally abated the carnage he is destined to unfold upon all chicken-kind.

But it never will. It never ever will. Cuz Louie? Well... he's just gonna keep loopin'.

Zia Root Beer

From Aug 2000 to Aug 2002 I lived in Ontario, Canada while serving a mission for the church I was raised in. I was in my early 20’s at the time and for a 9 month stretch I lived in a medium sized city called Burlington right on the shores of not-so-beautiful Lake Ontario. Our days consisted of a pretty regimented schedule of tasks and duties, one of our mandates being to provide service to the communities we were placed in for a few hours a week. We did service for individuals and organizations in a number of different ways, including visiting elderly people and assisting in nursing homes, volunteering at food banks and blood donation centers, a lot of cleaning and organizing of personal homes and storage spaces, and being in Canada we did a fair share of snow shoveling. But one of the most memorable people we provided service for was a man named Hassan. At the time he seemed so much older to me but he was probably only in his mid 50s at the time. He was an immigrant from an Arab nation, I don’t remember which, who had grown children but lived alone and was basically house bound. He stayed in his small apartment on the top floor of a 3-story walkup and I don’t recall ever seeing him go outside at all. I don’t even think he had a TV, though he may have had one in his bedroom. When we were in his apartment he would just sit in his chair and chain smoke while we talked. I image it was that way when we were not there as well. We would do simple things for him, like collect his mail and run small errands. When he discovered I had my own set of hair clippers he requested that I begin cutting his hair at regular intervals, and by cut his hair I mean he just wanted me to buzz his head. English was his second language, if not third or fourth, and he didn’t have a very good grasp of it. He called me Krumy-nicker, a phonetic spelling of the way he would say my last name (hint: roll the “r” at the beginning for the authentic experience). He would endearingly refer to my set of hair clippers simply as “the machine”, and I still find it endlessly amusing when he would ask for a haircut on our next visit by simply saying, “Krumy-nicker, can you bring the machine?”. Grocery shopping for Hassan was always the same. He would send us to get 1-2 loaves of processed white bread and a case of Pepsi from the basic grocery store down the road. Additionally, he would send us to a small shop in a strip mall which sold halal foods. We would present a piece of paper with his order to the person at the counter and they would hand us back a clear bag containing what I can only describe as a few lumps of sweaty cheese soaking in brine and filth. That’s all this guy ate, ever. He once asked me to go get him cigarettes, and when I told him we wouldn’t buy those for him it was the only time I saw him get upset with us. But it passed quickly and he was generally grateful for our visits and our help and we developed a nice relationship with him. Three times I thought I may be transferred from that area to another town and each time I told him he broke into tears, including the time I really did get transferred. He would give me a big embrace at the end of our visits and would tell me, “Krumy-nicker… I love you too much.” I will always remember him and the strange but comfortable relationship we had together. I respected him and he appreciated us. I heard he had passed away a few years after I had come back home, which was 20 years ago this August.

That story really has nothing to do with the root beer I am reviewing today. I just figured it needed to be written down somewhere so I don’t forget it. But like Hassan, I was a stranger in a not-so-strange land when I tried Zia Root Beer. My wife (and kids) presented this root beer to me on Father’s Day this year while stopping at my in-laws house in West Jordan, UT on our way up to Bear Lake, ID for a family reunion. She said she picked it up at the local Smith’s grocery store there, though the bottle says this root beer hails from New Mexico. The very visually pleasing label is adorned with several Native American symbols common to the New Mexico region. Zia Root Beer is just one of several, uh… unique flavors offered by the Zia Beverage Co. using ingredients local to the area, like prickly pear cactus and piñon nuts. In fact, the root beer flavor is steeped with ingredients like yucca root, anise, mint and cloves. Sounds delicious, right? Hold on to that thought while we dig in a little more.

What exactly is yucca root? Turns out it’s basically a type of potato. Does it make for a good flavor in a “root” beer? In my expert opinion, the answer is a hard no. 

Though the initial crack of the cap released a fairly pleasant aroma of root beer, the flavor was heavy on the anise/licorice, heavy on a Necco wafer taste (but only the bad ones), and lacks almost any actual traditional root beer flavor. The ingredients say this also contains vanilla but I wouldn’t have been able to tell you that. Additionally, it was nearly flat but still packed a little sting in my mouth that was neither irritating nor satisfying. They use natural cane sugar to sweeten it and I get small hints of mint that I had to search for after reading the list of ingredients. Overall though, it just tastes bad. Someone more familiar with the root may simply say this root beer tastes like yucca, to which I reply, “you can say that again.” This stuff is yucca for sure. 

My official review is that Zia Root Beer gets 3 (three) IBCs. I like the label and the idea of the fun and funky regional flavors, but just because it’s called a yucca root does not mean it translates into a root beer. Overall the taste in my mouth just feels dirty, even a little gritty. Perhaps those yucca roots need to be washed a little more before throwing them into the brew. So the score is mainly based off the originality and the fun label doing the heavy lifting because the flavor just aint bringin it. My suggestion would be that if you are dead set on using yucca you might need to find some more complimentary secondary ingredients. Dial back the clove, dial back the licorice and find a way to make this something I would ever consider getting again because as it stands now this is a one and done situation. 

Schilo's Root Beer

 

A friend of mine is working as a travel nurse right now and picked up this root beer for me in San Antonio, TX from a little restaurant called Schilo's Delicatessen. The story of Schilo's includes pivoting from serving alcohol to brewing root beer when Prohibition went into affect. Schilo's has been operating as a restaurant since 1917, and this root beer was a big seller for them when they could no longer sell alcohol. The label even proclaims that this is Prohibition's Most Popular Drink. I think my friend had to visit the restaurant to get this drink, but i could be mistaken. He may have just gotten it from one of the local grocery stores. 

The label is very colorful and eye catching. I like the picture of the founder, Fritz Schilo, a proud German immigrant who first opened a saloon and then later converted to a delicatessen when he could no longer serve alcohol. They use simple ingredients, including cane sugar. Just taking the cap off produced some impressive head inside the bottle. And the creamy aroma is very inviting. But as for taste this one is a little lack luster for me. The flavor is quite thin, which isn't in and of itself a unique profile, but i would have expected a flavor like this from a generic or grocery store line of root beer. And it reminds me a bit of (dare i say) Weinhard's in that there is a subtle candy corn aftertaste. Still, i am not entirely turned off by it. It is smooth and creamy and overall i can say it was enjoyable. 

My official review is that Schilo's Root Beer gets 6 (six) IBCs. I like this one well enough. It stands above the common generic root beer out there, but i don't think it has a bold or strong enough flavor to join the upper ranks of root beers. So check it out if you're in the area and are looking for an historical taste of early 20th century Texan cuisine. 

Note: i cannot speak for the food at all, so take that with a grain of salt.  

Chumlee Root Beer

 

I once worked at a job i didn't like for 9 years. During that time i was mostly sitting in a low rise cube, staring at a computer screen and answering phone calls, and occasionally responding to emails. It was a means to an end while i was going to school, probably around 2005 or 2006. The company i worked for was expanding and growing like crazy. There was a lot of turnover at that job, constantly cycling through new people. So every once in a while there would be a corporate wide email sent out to which people would reply-all and everyone in the company would get inane comments from random (often new) people regarding equally inane topics and subjects. One such occasion one of these emails went out and sparked a chain of people replying all telling everyone else to stop replying all. I typically stayed out of these exchanges as they merit nothing. Just a bunch of dummies saying "remove me from this list" and "everyone can see your response, stop replying all". But for whatever reason, probably boredom ultimately, i decided to reply to this chain. And not just reply, i intentionally did what everyone else said not to do and hit the reply-all button. I didn't say anything crass or insulting or directed at any one person or group individually. All i said was, "I like mac and cheese. There, i said it." The email storm that erupted after this was neither foreseen nor warranted. Tons of others followed suit by replying with random and non-germane responses that went to everyone in the corporation. Many people replied to me directly, laughing and saying it was really funny (which it wasn't really). Some asked if i realized this went out to the whole company, to which i responded individually and said, "look... i like mac and cheese and i don't care who knows it." Most of it was in a spirit of fun and good will, something this job lacked in spades. Outside of that i did nothing to further the chaos or provoke or incite more email insanity. But one person responded to me directly and told me i would be reported for wasting company resources. And guess what, i was reported. And i was pulled into a room and disciplined by my corporate overlords and formally written up with my first warning. That response to my harmless and playful, albeit inappropriately timed little escapade was completely unwarranted. I was singled out as an instigator when the storm was already happening, i just added some levity to the situation. But the backlash i got did not fit the crime in my opinion. Which is the opinion i have about this root beer. This is a completely unnecessary root beer. Chumlee Root Beer is another of the novelty root beers put out by Rocket Fizz where i found this. For the uninitiated, Chumlee is the name of a guy on the reality TV show Pawn Stars. I don't know anything else about the show, just that it is on TV and people sell their stuff to the pawn shop and Chumlee is one of the people working in the pawn shop. I know nothing more and i want to know nothing more because i don't watch shows of people doing their jobs. Oh, and apparently this guy is stupid wealthy now. That's all i know. Oh, and it's on the History channel, cuz... well, i don't know but it makes me lose a lot of respect for the History channel. 

Anyway, this is backed by/distributed by Rocket Fizz meaning they have a professional operation. The label is very colorful and depicts Chumlee with arms spread wide in the crucifix position with a big smile and the invocation to "Be Awesome". Maybe that's something he says on the show or something. Again, i don't know cuz i don't watch it. It's an eye-catching label based on how colorful and sparkly it is alone, but outside of that there is nothing to distinguish this root beer from any other. And just like the rest of these novelty root beers from Rocket Fizz, it tastes just the same and that taste is not very good. It's a cheap generic knockoff root beer they bottle and slap various labels on to be silly or funny and appeal to a more wide audience of passers-by. No one is seeking this root beer out, that I'm sure of. If you go to someones house and they have even more than one of these in their fridge then you need to evaluate your relationship with that person. The root beer flavor is very faint, basic and barely there. The aftertaste is downright offensive. And the overall conceit of this root beer is motivated by making money. There is no love in this endeavor. I doubt they even have to license Chumlee's likeness for this because if they did it wouldn't be worth it. This stuff is less than average. It is the definition of sub-par.

My official review is that Chumlee Root Beer gets 3 (three) IBCs. I initially gave this a 4 but in re-evaluating i am dropping it to a 3. Avoid this stuff unless... well, there is not really a good reason not to avoid this one in my mind. It's not so disgusting as to make me gag or not finish the bottle, but it's not good by any stretch of the imagination and i see no reason to reach for another one of these in the future. To plus it up a bit my kids and i "enjoyed" making root beer floats with equally bland Kroger brand vanilla ice cream. And you know what, it makes a decent float, but i think you have to intentionally try and ruin a root beer float to make it not good. So just like Chumlee himself, i will be going back to knowing nothing about this root beer.