Monday, January 8, 2018

Signature Select Root Beer

New Year, new me? Hardly. My only resolution is to hold steady and keep reviewing root beers are a ridiculously slow rate with as little effort and accuracy as i can allow myself to bother to exert. Sure, i've got several in the fridge i could do and get a bunch more posts out, but let's be honest; most people have migrated over to Instagram or Facebook or Pinterest or any of those other social media sites and i still can't bring myself to do it. Partly cuz i'm lazy, partly because i have no interest in that, and partly because i have the hubris to think that these reviews are special and anyone who really wants them should have to do a little work. But i realize that hurts me since less people will see or read my reviews, though i'm not sure i ultimately care who sees these. This is for me more than anyone else, yet i still strive to make it public and endeavor to do my due diligence when reviewing root beers. However, the truth is i have been slacking on my reviews and don't put near as much research into these root beers as i used to, mostly because they all taste the same now. So if it sounds like i'm jaded and full of contradictions, its only because i am. So with that unnecessary preamble, buckle up for another year of mediocre root beers and equally mediocre reviews. Let's begin, shall we?
This root beer was purchased at a Vons grocery store in Anaheim, CA. At least i think it was. I saw this here in Arizona at an Albertsons, but i don't think i bought it until later when i strolled through a Von's while on vacation. This is a quintessentially generic root beer, likely the house brand of whatever grocery store conglomerate owns and operates Vons and Alberstons and i believe Safeway (this is where i would insert something from the internet that i researched about this topic, but i no longer care to do because i don't think it really matters, and it's certainly not interesting enough to warrant a google). This root beer is distributed by Better Living Brands, LLC. When i looked up the website listed on the label, it takes me straight to a Safeway page. So, there you go. I told you, i've been doing this a long time at this point. 

The true mark of a generic root beer is the label. It is well established in my posts that generic labels follow many of the same themes and color schemes and this label is no exception. It's trendy, in my opinion, in the way opening a vintage themed bakery or dessert store is trendy. That's what the theme of the label reminds me of, specifically a local bakery called SweetTooth Fairy, and by local i mean there is one near where i live but in reality there are several locations in Arizona and Utah (i think it originated in Utah, but again, refuse to research it more). If this root beer wasn't owned by Safeway, i could see it being sold at a STF bakery based on the label alone. I could spend some time describing the label in even the briefest detail, but i'm just gonna ask that you go ahead and look at the photo instead. As for my opinion, it's a perfectly utilitarian label that fails to excite my imagination or fire my spirit and inspire me to do anything in the slightest. Thumbs up. 

It shouldn't surprise you that the taste follows suit. It's a low carbonation, watery, artificial root beer flavored soda that is sweetened with cane sugar. Just. Like. Hundreds. Of. Others. The subtle aspects of the label try to imply that this is some sort of unique craft soda, but it's far from that. This is a mass produced, generic root beer with a VERY familiar taste that sells a price point slightly above the other generic brand on the shelf next to it because this one comes in a glass bottle. It doesn't taste bad, but it also doesn't excite my taste buds at all. My son claims it is "super spicy", but i assure you that it is not. In fact, it's more watery than anything. It's not spicy. It's not significant. It just is. 

My official review is that Signature Select Root Beer gets 4 (four) IBCs. I don't know what else i can say about it because it has so little depth to even pull from. So i won't say anything else at all. Try it if you want, but i intend to forget about this one entirely.