Death Valley Root Beer

The name of this root beer is initially pretty awesome, but further investigation shows that it's more based on geography that being hardcore. Anyway, Death Valley Root Beer is brewed by Indian Wells Brewing Co., which is primarily focused on brewing beers. There are however 4 flavors of soda under the Death Valley brand, root beer being one of them. Death Valley is of course part of the high desert of California near the Nevada border. The brewery however is not located in the township of Death Valley, but closer to the Bakersfield area in Inyokern, CA. Not sure how much of a draw the Death Valley region of California is, but for a name like that i expect the roads to be lined with skulls. Otherwise, you're just wasting my time.

It's clear from the label that they are going for the old west theme. I assume the old west era is intrinsically tied to Death Valley, seeing as if someone were to name that part of California these days, it would be something like Make Sure You're Hydrated Valley, which is kind of disappointing. I mean, i don't want to die if i were to go to Death Valley, but i at least want to be in danger of dying. Anyway, back to the root beer. It comes in a clear 12 oz. glass bottle and the label is made to look like a wanted sign from the old west, like this root beer is an outlaw and you're just the vigilante to track it down, rip it's top off, and drink it's insides (a traditional old western execution, i assure you). There is a picture of a stage coach being pulled by horses, not unlike the Wells Fargo logo. The rest of the label is just filled with the typical information root beers list on their labels, including a notice that there is a cash refund in California for recycling the bottle (for you thrifty hippies out there).

But getting down to brass tacks, it's really just a kinda regular old root beer. It has a fairly prominent black licorice flavor, very little carbonation (boo), and it's made with cane sugar. Other than that, it's kind of a regular old run of the mill root beer. Tastes like root beer extract with a little extra on the anise. It's by no means terrible, but has a long way to go if it wants to compete in the big leagues.

My official review is that Death Valley gets 4 (four) IBCs. I was turned off by the black licorice flavor and lack of carbonation. Otherwise i might have given it a 5. Again, if black licorice is your thing, then i say go for it. It's not overpowering or anything, but it's enough to notice and that's what counts. And for those of you who listen to my every word and whim, don't bother with this stuff. It's faily expensive to boot at about $5 for a four-pack, and you're just going to be disappointed.

Indian Wells Special Reserve Root Beer

I had a goal of posting at least one review a month this year and i've already failed at that. Last month was a bit of a doozy for me as we sold our house, moved back into our tiny condo we had when we were first married and had no kids, and remodeled said condo all in the span of 45 days. And this month hasn't been much easier as we try and adjust to a smaller home and organize everything while putting on the finishing touches of the remodel. It was not something i would like to ever do again. Lots of long days of work and late nights of remodeling. But the upswing is that we made a decent amount on selling the house and had enough to completely pay off my student loan. So now we are just going to slum it here for a bit while we save up to buy or build a new house in a few years. And hopefully i can still post the rest of the months this year. So i apologize for not posting in a while and for the fact that i need to keep this brief so i can get my kids ready for bed now. This root beer is one i picked up from the Rocket Fizz store. Indian Wells Special Reserve Root Beer is brewed by the Indian Wells Brewing Co. in Inyokern, CA and has been around since 1995. The website on the bottle takes me here, which is very confusing, but a simple Google search for this root beer took me to the correct website. There wasn't much info on the website, including any mention of this root beer though it's the same brewing company that makes Death Valley Root Beer, but i found some info on the bottle about The Indian Wells Spring that served as a watering hole for miners and explorers in the mid 1800's. It serves today as the source of water for this brewing company.

Right off the bat this root beer stuck out to me for a couple reasons. First off, it's in a 22 fl oz bottle, much larger than the typical 12 fl oz. Second, it's sealed with dripped wax for a decorative effect.
The top of the cap is also imprinted with the logo of the brewing company. So these distinctive features along with the colorful label made this a sure fire pick for me. I like the professional and colorful label. It contains the typical imagery of barrels on an old piece of parchment paper. Lots of different fonts and styles and lots of other superfluous info about the root beer or the brewing company. I give it kudos for the effort on a nice presentation.

The label lists several different flavors present in this root beer recipe, including vanilla, sarsaparilla, birch root, wintergreen, ginger, wild cherry bark, licorice and cane sugar, all aged in barrels made from Quercus Pyrenaica Chestnut wood, whatever that is. So i was expecting to be overwhelmed with flavor. The reality is that i didn't find this root beer all that interesting. It was a bit thin and not even all that sweet. It almost tastes just like sucking on a popsicle stick that never had a popsicle on it. And on top of that underwhelming taste experience, it left a really bad taste in my mouth.

My official review is that Indian Wells Special Reserve Root Beer gets 3 (three) IBCs. I didn't really care for this at all, and i rated it lower than i rated its sister root beer Death Valley, although i really don't remember what Death Valley tastes like except that when i saw they were brewed at the same place i just remembered i didn't care much for Death Valley. Luckily i had my two awful kids to help me drink all 22 fl oz of this stuff, and luckily they are still little enough and dumb enough to realize this stuff isn't that great. They were just happy to have root beer before bedtime. So that part of the experience was a win-win for me, but even though this root beer stands out in the store i will likely pass it by next time i see it and i think you should too.

Gold Mine Root Beer

Oh boy. Another one on the books. I want to get this done now because i have a busy month coming up next month and i don't know what kind of free time i will have. We are moving houses again and have a lot to do in a compressed time frame. It's like i'm being punished for some injustice i committed in the past and skirted the consequences. The closest i've ever been to being arrested was one time when i was probably 13 or 14 i squirted water at a girl through her house window and the water got on a leather recliner and her mom called the cops to come talk to me. He sat me in his car and explained that they weren't pressing charges but that they could if they wanted to and that i was very lucky that i wasn't going to be arrested. It was a really really really toned down version of Scared Straight. But since then i've done plenty of other bad things that i was never properly punished for. So maybe this crazy moving/renovating schedule is the universe getting even with me, which is also likely why i am reviewing THIS root beer specifically. Gold Mine Root Beer is another of the many iterations of bad root beers Rocket Fizz has been brewing up,  slapping a silly name or theme on, and putting out on shelves for dummies like me to pick up. Side note; I've gotten bad at saving my opinion for after my extremely thorough assessment and tend to just blurt out what i think of it cuz i can't be bothered to build any kind of suspense or intrigue or climactic story framework before the big finale. So just to make sure i'm completely clear on this, i don't like this root beer. It feels like a punishment to drink and review.

This stuff comes in an oversized 22 oz. brown glass bottle. It has a very flashy and shiny label depicting a prospector in a mine standing next to a cart. This little guy is probably the inspiration for the prospector in The Ballad of Buster Scruggs. Looks identical, right? I really enjoyed that show, all of the little stories. The last one in the stage coach was probably my least favorite. And my most favorite was the traveling showman with Liam Neeson. Man, that one was brutal. Funny how my least favorite had the most talking and my most favorite had probably the least talking. But i really liked the prospector one as well. Those Coen Brother really put out some great stuff don't they? Don't you wish we could just sit and talk about something good like the Coen Brothers and their great movies? Me too. But i have to talk about a bad root beer instead.

So they are already not skimping and doing some good work on the label, but to add some mystique to the whole theme of this root beer there is a large portion of the label dedicated to handing out a "Gold Mining Company certificate" which when 5 are collected a Death Valley Root Beer (another sub-par root beer) can be redeemed. And to add more to the packaging, they do the thing Indian Wells does and pour "wax" (not really wax) over the cap and stamp it with the Rocket Fizz logo. But this is a lesson each of us should learn about flashy packaging. It's the little things, the details, that matter. While i will whole heartedly admit this oversize bottle and flashy label and poured wax cap (not really wax) stamped with the company logo paints a picture of a luxurious root beer experience waiting for the person who indulges and decides to treat themselves, the real story is plain as day when you peel that waxy finish (not really wax) off the cap. Underneath, they used a bottle cap for a completely separate root beer. 

These guys only appear to not be skimping, but they are skimping. It would have been better to have a blank cap under that not really wax, because this tips their hand to tell you that this root beer is not as advertised. It's not luxurious. It's not rugged. It doesn't embody the prospector spirit of the 1840s and 50s. It's a fraud. A fake. It's fool's gold, plain and simple. This stuff doesn't even taste like anything. It's super watered down and lacks all flavor. Any flavor it may have fades so quickly that it's practically indiscernible. Sweetened with cane sugar, this doesn't even have the decency to be sweet tasting. It just tastes like nothing and leaves a really bad aftertaste in your mouth to boot. I reject you Gold Mine and all that you stand for. You bring shame upon Joel and Ethan Coen, but even more, you bring shame upon yourself. 

My official review is that Gold Mine Root Beer gets 2 (two) IBCs. I really didn't enjoy this. The only pleasure i derived was knowing i have this complete and i can move on to other more deserving root beers. And a score of 2 is pretty harsh i know, but this stuff so fully rubbed me the wrong way tonight that i stand by it. It was an unpleasant experience from start to finish. Also, my kids thought it was pretty good. Just thought i would throw that in there.