Boots Sarsaparilla Root Beer

I recently heard an insane story that i have to share. Granted, this story is coming to me third-hand and i know none of the people involved. I heard this story from my wife's best friend Shasta. She relayed this tale to us from her sister, and this whole thing supposedly happened to one of Shasta's sister's friends. So with all that preamble i mean to say i didn't do anything more to verify this story than to hear it from Shasta so i can't cop to its veracity. Still, it's that good of a story that i have to pass it along. 
Shasta's teenaged sister has a friend that is a guy. His name is... (totally not making this up on the spot) Jamtillon, a real name. Anyway, Jamtillon is a somewhat shy kid but he has the hots for this girl in their social circle that sounds like should be named Gwendolyn. So Jamtillon works up the courage to ask her out on a first date. 

NOTE: this is a first date. Adds to the insanity. 

Jamtillon asks Gwendolyn to come with him on the Polar Express. Now, we all live in Mesa, AZ, which is a suburb of Phoenix. In Williams, AZ (the small town where i grew up) the Grand Canyon Railroad operates and serves as the lifeblood of that town by attracting tourists from all around the world and offering them an old-timey train ride up to the southern rim of the Grand Canyon for a real authentic 1800's experience. If i'm being reductionist about it i would say it's essentially turning a 1 hour drive into a 2 hour train ride for a fairly nominal fee. Anyway, to make even more money during the Holiday Season the railroad puts on a short 1+ hour ride just outside of town where they read the story of the Polar Express to all the families and kids, many of which are dressed in holiday pajamas. They have cookies and drink hot chocolate and sing songs and do that kind of stuff until they get to "the North Pole", which is just a cardboard cutout town with a few people standing outside and waving. It's both innocent and charming as well as a total waste of money and a humungous racket (again, that's the pessimistic reductionist in me talking). Anyway, it's a perfectly acceptable date except for one crucial fact. Mesa is a 3+ hour drive away from Williams, meaning they have to drive up, do the train ride, get something to eat and drive back. So you throw in a couple pit stops and bathroom breaks and this date (first date) is at minimum a 9-10 hour endeavor. Right there, this thing is doomed from the start.

Anyway, as the story goes, Jamtillon picks up Gwendolyn and begins the drive up to Williams. He is trying to be noble and avoid embarrassment by holding in his farts the whole drive. When he pulls into the train station in Williams he decides to be a gentleman and offers to get out and open the door for his date. But Jamtillon is a clever dog. He really just wants an opportunity to "blow off some steam" while his date sits in the car. What he doesn't account for is that while he walks around the back of his car to open her door, he blows off a lot more than steam. To be blunt, he drops a load in his pants. Panic washes over Jamtillon. This is a bad, bad start. But he recovers quickly when he tells Gwendolyn, "Let's go into the gift shop and get some pajamas to change into for the train!" Gwendolyn tells him she's fine in the clothes they have and doesn't want any pajamas. The train is leaving soon, so he doesn't have a lot of time to act. "Ok, well I'm going to go get some pajamas. Why don't i just meet you on the train?" He watches Gwendolyn board the train and turns to go into the gift shop. He finds a pair of pajama pants, purchases them and then proceeds to the port-a-potty outside because the bathrooms inside are being renovated. Gwendolyn grows concerned as she hears that the train is leaving soon and sees Jamtillon exit the gift shop and head into a port-a-potty. Jamtillon enters the port-a-potty and removes his pants and underwear, throwing them into the toilet as they are "unredeemable". He then unfolds his pajama pants and discovers... it's a sweatshirt. It's not pajama pants at all. He has bought the wrong thing and cannot get his pants and underwear back out of the port-a-potty. Gwendolyn looks around wildly as the train begins to pull out of the station. She keeps her eyes fixed on the port-a-potty until Jamtillon finally emerges. He is wearing the sweatshirt as pants and looks to the window where their seats are to make eye contact with Gwendolyn. And just then, the train pulls away from the station. When Gwendolyn gets back from the trip to the North Pole, Jamtillon is gone. Clearly, this is the only recourse he has at this point. No voicemail or text, no indication that he was coming back. He just ghosts her. She has to call her family to drive the 3+ hours to come pick her up. 

Now... that is the worst first date i've ever heard of, but given all that happened i think that's the only natural conclusion it could possibly have. But again, going back to the fact that this first date is at minimum 9-10 hours, i could have told you from the start that this was going to be a disaster. Which is what i thought about this root beer prior to drinking it. Boots Sarsaparilla Root Beer is brewed and bottled in Bellville, TX. The Boots Beverage Co. began as Bellville Bottling Works and was purchased by a German immigrant named Ambrose Kristen. His image is displayed on the label of the bottle along with a small snippet of the tale of his journey to Texas. Boots has a variety of flavors, each inspired by members of Ambrose's family. Ambrose earned the honor of having the root beer flavor carry his name. 

Looking at this root beer, it has all the apparent signs of a bad root beer. It's not even really trying to look its best or be enticing to people. The label is colorful and professional with all the hallmarks of several generic root beer brands. The root beer itself is also quite pale. And when i cracked the cap, the aroma i get is faintly medicinal. Not a good track record based on other root beers with similar telltale signs. I took one look at this and pegged it for pure trash. But i gotta tell you... i really was taken back by this root beer. This stuff is truly a solid root beer. It's very sweet and creamy, heavy vanilla flavor, and it's sweetened with cane sugar which gives it a nice finish. It almost tastes like a root beer float. 

My official review is that Boots Sarsaparilla Root Beer gets 8 (eight) IBCs. I really would never have looked at this without tasting it and thought it would be a top contender, and yet, here it stands among the greats of root beer. Truly as shocking to me that this is good as i am that Jamtillon would have the hubris to take a girl on a 10 hour first date. And we all see where that landed him... in a mobile toilet wearing a shirt for pants. So i admire the boldness of Boots to determinately stake their place in the root beer pantheon. This one is surprisingly one of the best root beers i've had in a long time.  

Hosmer Mountain Sarsaparilla Root Beer

On a recent visit to Bear Lake, ID for a family reunion i was formally introduced to a game from my wife's childhood called Loopin' Louie. I say formally introduced because i've heard about this game incessantly whilst never having played it on account that the childhood set belonging to my wife's family lay in a tattered box under my bed for the majority of my marriage, filled with half missing/half broken parts. It was, needless to say, useless, and as such, trash. In fact, that is where my wife rescued it from soon after we were married and she discovered that her father had thrown it out. Unrelated, my wife really likes that show Hoarders. She's seen 'em all...

Anyway, it was significant to her because it was a game she played with her now deceased grandfather with whom she had a very loving and close relationship. So i understand that. What i have a harder time understanding is the lore of the game Loopin' Louie itself. For the uninformed, Louie is a middle-aged pilot who is vaguely Germanic looking and flies an old WWI/WWII era prop-plane, and for whatever reason he really really hates chickens. Oh and also, just an aside, when the game is assembled it slightly resembles a swastika. It's a 4 player game of which the object is to protect your chickens from Louie as he blindly follows his innate instinct to fly his plane directly toward them to presumably murder them. Each player is outfitted with a different colored paddle to bump Louie's plane up and over the chicken coop to prevent a grisly death when the chickens met the business end of a propeller. Some members of my wife's family assert that the color of the paddle makes the difference. Several are in the camp of "red always wins", and indeed the winner of the family tournament was using the red paddle to claim victory. But i contested that there was no way red has an advantage. Everyone had the same opportunities and limitations because the game is pretty simplistic at the core. Yes, the only hope we had was to nudge Louie out of the way on his murderous tirade and hopefully guide him toward our opponents, inwardly hoping the death of their chickens will satiate his bloodlust for at least a few moments. But it never will... It never ever will... Louie just loops around and around to tag each chicken coop again and again. He just loops. He loops and he loops. He's Loopin' Louie. And he won't rest until every chicken is dead. Every... last... one. 
While the question of Louie's motive quickly jumps to mind and whose answer is still a mystery, i found a more interesting line of inquiry when my brother-in-law posited the question of what role we the players had in this debauchery. Were we farmers trying to protect our flocks from an insane pilot in the early stages of dementia? Were we the chickens fearing for our own lives and narrowly escaping (and sometimes not) the stinging blades of death raining down from the heavens above? But the answer, i told my brother-in-law, is so much simpler than that. You see, we're the paddles. We don't control the paddles, we ARE the paddles. It's plain to see. It doesn't matter what color you are because Louie only sees one color. Red. Not the red paddle, the color of blood. And once you realize that, only then can you truly understand Loopin' Louie. 

Like my wife with this game, i have a long and sordid relationship with the root beer. I wouldn't call this my white whale but it's been on my most wanted list for sure. I can't remember when i first even heard of this root beer but it's been at least 5 or 6 years. That makes it sound like this is some legendary root beer of yore, and i don't intend to ascribe it that. I simply mean that this is one that i have heard of but i have found difficult to find through my regular channels. Hosmer Mountain Sarsaparilla Root Beer is brewed and bottled in Willimantic, CT. This is one of an extensive line of sodas crafted by the folks at Hosmer Mountain Springs Bottling Co. The company has a long history in the area and began making sodas in 1948. It started as a family business and i think it is still run by the sons of the guy who started it. I will give them credit for longevity and adapting the business as the times dictated. And i know i'm late to the game with this one and all, but they point to a specific root beer review for confirmation of their standing within the industry, and i just gotta say... come on... we all have the same credibility here. This is just a vanity project. No one takes these things seriously, but if they did then this is really the only review that should affect the layout of your website, that's all i'm saying. 

The shape of the glass bottle is fun, it's a little different, dare i say elegant even. I like the old school paper and glue label, sticking to the old ways of doing things. The clear glass gives me a good look at how pale looking this root beer appears, though it may be no different than others. When i cracked the cap i got very little aroma and most of the carbonation escaped leaving this on the more flat side of the beverage. Not my favorite thing, but it does well to make up with the taste. This soda is sweetened with both white and brown sugar and flavored with a sarsaparilla extract. The label calls this a sarsaparilla root beer but they also offer a sarsaparilla flavored soda in their line. I wonder if any distinction is made other than the name or if they simply are identical in taste and only differ in the marketing. Regardless though, that's a good classic flavor for root beer. It feels a little thin, but still has a refreshing finish to it. I would say that by any reasonable standard this is a solid root beer. 

My official review is that Hosmer Mountain Sarsaparilla Root Beer gets 7 (seven) IBCs. This is a close contender for a score of 8, but i think it just lacks the little something to nudge it over the edge. Solid showing though, really showcasing the abilities of the Hosmer Mountain Bottling Co. I'd be very interested to try more or their 30 flavors of beverages. And perhaps if Louie had refreshed himself with a cold Hosmer Mountain beverage it may have finally abated the carnage he is destined to unfold upon all chicken-kind.

But it never will. It never ever will. Cuz Louie? Well... he's just gonna keep loopin'.

Zia Root Beer

From Aug 2000 to Aug 2002 I lived in Ontario, Canada while serving a mission for the church I was raised in. I was in my early 20’s at the time and for a 9 month stretch I lived in a medium sized city called Burlington right on the shores of not-so-beautiful Lake Ontario. Our days consisted of a pretty regimented schedule of tasks and duties, one of our mandates being to provide service to the communities we were placed in for a few hours a week. We did service for individuals and organizations in a number of different ways, including visiting elderly people and assisting in nursing homes, volunteering at food banks and blood donation centers, a lot of cleaning and organizing of personal homes and storage spaces, and being in Canada we did a fair share of snow shoveling. But one of the most memorable people we provided service for was a man named Hassan. At the time he seemed so much older to me but he was probably only in his mid 50s at the time. He was an immigrant from an Arab nation, I don’t remember which, who had grown children but lived alone and was basically house bound. He stayed in his small apartment on the top floor of a 3-story walkup and I don’t recall ever seeing him go outside at all. I don’t even think he had a TV, though he may have had one in his bedroom. When we were in his apartment he would just sit in his chair and chain smoke while we talked. I image it was that way when we were not there as well. We would do simple things for him, like collect his mail and run small errands. When he discovered I had my own set of hair clippers he requested that I begin cutting his hair at regular intervals, and by cut his hair I mean he just wanted me to buzz his head. English was his second language, if not third or fourth, and he didn’t have a very good grasp of it. He called me Krumy-nicker, a phonetic spelling of the way he would say my last name (hint: roll the “r” at the beginning for the authentic experience). He would endearingly refer to my set of hair clippers simply as “the machine”, and I still find it endlessly amusing when he would ask for a haircut on our next visit by simply saying, “Krumy-nicker, can you bring the machine?”. Grocery shopping for Hassan was always the same. He would send us to get 1-2 loaves of processed white bread and a case of Pepsi from the basic grocery store down the road. Additionally, he would send us to a small shop in a strip mall which sold halal foods. We would present a piece of paper with his order to the person at the counter and they would hand us back a clear bag containing what I can only describe as a few lumps of sweaty cheese soaking in brine and filth. That’s all this guy ate, ever. He once asked me to go get him cigarettes, and when I told him we wouldn’t buy those for him it was the only time I saw him get upset with us. But it passed quickly and he was generally grateful for our visits and our help and we developed a nice relationship with him. Three times I thought I may be transferred from that area to another town and each time I told him he broke into tears, including the time I really did get transferred. He would give me a big embrace at the end of our visits and would tell me, “Krumy-nicker… I love you too much.” I will always remember him and the strange but comfortable relationship we had together. I respected him and he appreciated us. I heard he had passed away a few years after I had come back home, which was 20 years ago this August.

That story really has nothing to do with the root beer I am reviewing today. I just figured it needed to be written down somewhere so I don’t forget it. But like Hassan, I was a stranger in a not-so-strange land when I tried Zia Root Beer. My wife (and kids) presented this root beer to me on Father’s Day this year while stopping at my in-laws house in West Jordan, UT on our way up to Bear Lake, ID for a family reunion. She said she picked it up at the local Smith’s grocery store there, though the bottle says this root beer hails from New Mexico. The very visually pleasing label is adorned with several Native American symbols common to the New Mexico region. Zia Root Beer is just one of several, uh… unique flavors offered by the Zia Beverage Co. using ingredients local to the area, like prickly pear cactus and piñon nuts. In fact, the root beer flavor is steeped with ingredients like yucca root, anise, mint and cloves. Sounds delicious, right? Hold on to that thought while we dig in a little more.

What exactly is yucca root? Turns out it’s basically a type of potato. Does it make for a good flavor in a “root” beer? In my expert opinion, the answer is a hard no. 

Though the initial crack of the cap released a fairly pleasant aroma of root beer, the flavor was heavy on the anise/licorice, heavy on a Necco wafer taste (but only the bad ones), and lacks almost any actual traditional root beer flavor. The ingredients say this also contains vanilla but I wouldn’t have been able to tell you that. Additionally, it was nearly flat but still packed a little sting in my mouth that was neither irritating nor satisfying. They use natural cane sugar to sweeten it and I get small hints of mint that I had to search for after reading the list of ingredients. Overall though, it just tastes bad. Someone more familiar with the root may simply say this root beer tastes like yucca, to which I reply, “you can say that again.” This stuff is yucca for sure. 

My official review is that Zia Root Beer gets 3 (three) IBCs. I like the label and the idea of the fun and funky regional flavors, but just because it’s called a yucca root does not mean it translates into a root beer. Overall the taste in my mouth just feels dirty, even a little gritty. Perhaps those yucca roots need to be washed a little more before throwing them into the brew. So the score is mainly based off the originality and the fun label doing the heavy lifting because the flavor just aint bringin it. My suggestion would be that if you are dead set on using yucca you might need to find some more complimentary secondary ingredients. Dial back the clove, dial back the licorice and find a way to make this something I would ever consider getting again because as it stands now this is a one and done situation. 

Schilo's Root Beer

 

A friend of mine is working as a travel nurse right now and picked up this root beer for me in San Antonio, TX from a little restaurant called Schilo's Delicatessen. The story of Schilo's includes pivoting from serving alcohol to brewing root beer when Prohibition went into affect. Schilo's has been operating as a restaurant since 1917, and this root beer was a big seller for them when they could no longer sell alcohol. The label even proclaims that this is Prohibition's Most Popular Drink. I think my friend had to visit the restaurant to get this drink, but i could be mistaken. He may have just gotten it from one of the local grocery stores. 

The label is very colorful and eye catching. I like the picture of the founder, Fritz Schilo, a proud German immigrant who first opened a saloon and then later converted to a delicatessen when he could no longer serve alcohol. They use simple ingredients, including cane sugar. Just taking the cap off produced some impressive head inside the bottle. And the creamy aroma is very inviting. But as for taste this one is a little lack luster for me. The flavor is quite thin, which isn't in and of itself a unique profile, but i would have expected a flavor like this from a generic or grocery store line of root beer. And it reminds me a bit of (dare i say) Weinhard's in that there is a subtle candy corn aftertaste. Still, i am not entirely turned off by it. It is smooth and creamy and overall i can say it was enjoyable. 

My official review is that Schilo's Root Beer gets 6 (six) IBCs. I like this one well enough. It stands above the common generic root beer out there, but i don't think it has a bold or strong enough flavor to join the upper ranks of root beers. So check it out if you're in the area and are looking for an historical taste of early 20th century Texan cuisine. 

Note: i cannot speak for the food at all, so take that with a grain of salt.  

Chumlee Root Beer

 

I once worked at a job i didn't like for 9 years. During that time i was mostly sitting in a low rise cube, staring at a computer screen and answering phone calls, and occasionally responding to emails. It was a means to an end while i was going to school, probably around 2005 or 2006. The company i worked for was expanding and growing like crazy. There was a lot of turnover at that job, constantly cycling through new people. So every once in a while there would be a corporate wide email sent out to which people would reply-all and everyone in the company would get inane comments from random (often new) people regarding equally inane topics and subjects. One such occasion one of these emails went out and sparked a chain of people replying all telling everyone else to stop replying all. I typically stayed out of these exchanges as they merit nothing. Just a bunch of dummies saying "remove me from this list" and "everyone can see your response, stop replying all". But for whatever reason, probably boredom ultimately, i decided to reply to this chain. And not just reply, i intentionally did what everyone else said not to do and hit the reply-all button. I didn't say anything crass or insulting or directed at any one person or group individually. All i said was, "I like mac and cheese. There, i said it." The email storm that erupted after this was neither foreseen nor warranted. Tons of others followed suit by replying with random and non-germane responses that went to everyone in the corporation. Many people replied to me directly, laughing and saying it was really funny (which it wasn't really). Some asked if i realized this went out to the whole company, to which i responded individually and said, "look... i like mac and cheese and i don't care who knows it." Most of it was in a spirit of fun and good will, something this job lacked in spades. Outside of that i did nothing to further the chaos or provoke or incite more email insanity. But one person responded to me directly and told me i would be reported for wasting company resources. And guess what, i was reported. And i was pulled into a room and disciplined by my corporate overlords and formally written up with my first warning. That response to my harmless and playful, albeit inappropriately timed little escapade was completely unwarranted. I was singled out as an instigator when the storm was already happening, i just added some levity to the situation. But the backlash i got did not fit the crime in my opinion. Which is the opinion i have about this root beer. This is a completely unnecessary root beer. Chumlee Root Beer is another of the novelty root beers put out by Rocket Fizz where i found this. For the uninitiated, Chumlee is the name of a guy on the reality TV show Pawn Stars. I don't know anything else about the show, just that it is on TV and people sell their stuff to the pawn shop and Chumlee is one of the people working in the pawn shop. I know nothing more and i want to know nothing more because i don't watch shows of people doing their jobs. Oh, and apparently this guy is stupid wealthy now. That's all i know. Oh, and it's on the History channel, cuz... well, i don't know but it makes me lose a lot of respect for the History channel. 

Anyway, this is backed by/distributed by Rocket Fizz meaning they have a professional operation. The label is very colorful and depicts Chumlee with arms spread wide in the crucifix position with a big smile and the invocation to "Be Awesome". Maybe that's something he says on the show or something. Again, i don't know cuz i don't watch it. It's an eye-catching label based on how colorful and sparkly it is alone, but outside of that there is nothing to distinguish this root beer from any other. And just like the rest of these novelty root beers from Rocket Fizz, it tastes just the same and that taste is not very good. It's a cheap generic knockoff root beer they bottle and slap various labels on to be silly or funny and appeal to a more wide audience of passers-by. No one is seeking this root beer out, that I'm sure of. If you go to someones house and they have even more than one of these in their fridge then you need to evaluate your relationship with that person. The root beer flavor is very faint, basic and barely there. The aftertaste is downright offensive. And the overall conceit of this root beer is motivated by making money. There is no love in this endeavor. I doubt they even have to license Chumlee's likeness for this because if they did it wouldn't be worth it. This stuff is less than average. It is the definition of sub-par.

My official review is that Chumlee Root Beer gets 3 (three) IBCs. I initially gave this a 4 but in re-evaluating i am dropping it to a 3. Avoid this stuff unless... well, there is not really a good reason not to avoid this one in my mind. It's not so disgusting as to make me gag or not finish the bottle, but it's not good by any stretch of the imagination and i see no reason to reach for another one of these in the future. To plus it up a bit my kids and i "enjoyed" making root beer floats with equally bland Kroger brand vanilla ice cream. And you know what, it makes a decent float, but i think you have to intentionally try and ruin a root beer float to make it not good. So just like Chumlee himself, i will be going back to knowing nothing about this root beer. 

O-Zell Root Beer

 

Wow... it's been a long time and i can't believe it's taken me this long to finally review this one (sorry, let's just get right to it this time though). I've come across O-Zell several times and from multiple vendors. Though not mainstream enough to show up in most grocery stores (at least not in my region), this is a fairly common root beer to encounter when visiting different boutique soda or vintage candy stores. So I've actually had this in my fridge for... well, years at this point. I don't remember when i picked it up or where but i've seen this one in my encounters in several stores in several states. Yet i knew nothing about it until now. Honestly i am more shocked it's not more popular if only for the fact that O-Zell Soda Co. was established in 1912 and an early investor was Elias Disney, the father of none other than Walt and Roy Disney. Wait, WHAT? You're telling me this has the full backing of the Disney Corporation and it's not absolutely dominating the soda frontier with a brutal competitive edge? I have strong feelings about the Disney Corporation, from as benign and annoying as how they raise their prices every year and continually gouge the consumer when they rival Apple, Google and Netflix in the corporate environment, to the more sinister like how Disney, Coca-cola and McDonald's form the triumvirate of evil by acquiring wealth, property, influence and power with aims on nothing short of WORLD DOMINATION. I'm telling you... keep your eye on them. And the worst part is as much as i detest going to their parks and buying their merchandise and seeing their movies, i do it. Mostly for my kids and my wife, but partially for me too. And that's the hardest part really. I'm giving my money to a behemoth who both doesn't need it and will never even really understand it but just keeps requiring it from me and everyone else on the planet. A company that big and influential is grotesque. But i'm gonna keep funding it and getting minimal entertainment, maximum guilt and (luckily) some decent family memories in return. 

Anyway, back to O-Zell, why isn't this soda everywhere? I don't think it's even in Disney parks, is it? The company was founded in Silver Lake, CA, but it has ties to Chicago, IL if only by the means of funding the restoration and preservation of the childhood home of Walt and Roy Disney. The illustrated story is on the website, complete with heroes and villains, for those who want to read it. The website and label seem fairly professional and not the cheapest option. The cartoon depiction of Elias Disney graces the bottom of the label. The label and website say they use all natural flavors, like Hawaiian sugar cane. And honestly, it doesn't taste bad. It's actually pretty good. So they have a decent product, a professional operation, an inexhaustible financial backing and even the borrowed good will of most of the planet by association alone. So again... why isn't this stuff synonymous with water? It just makes me wonder if they really do have those kinds of resources and cachet, or maybe the management of this branch isn't subject to the same corporate edict of nothing less than ruthlessly and absolutely crushing all competition. 

The taste is a bit thin, but it isn't unpleasant. That sounds like i'm trying to not say i like this stuff. Truthfully, i don't really. But it's not terrible. I would say it's better than most. It doesn't have a "natural" soda taste, which is good, and i doubt they strive to be a healthy alternative. But the creamy root beer flavor, though thin, is pretty decent for a craft soda. The taste doesn't last long and leaves a bad taste in my mouth, but it's enjoyable. My kids both liked it as well, which seems like the target audience if they lean the same way as their corporate masters. So overall i'd say... not too bad.

My official review is that O-Zell Root Beer gets 6 (six) IBCs. This is a good root beer, but it's not in 7 territory. I'd say 6.5 if i did non-integer ratings. But i don't. So it's a 6 (yeah, i rounded down but i think they will be ok). Look, does this soda have any real ties to the Disney Corporation? Probably not. So i am gonna look for it the next time i visit one of the parks with my family. That will be the real tell to know if this stuff is really affiliated with Disney or just part of the corporate machine trying to syphon off of Disney's success. And that's probably the only thing worse than Disney itself. 

Olipop Classic Root Beer

 

I'm in the stage of my life where my weight yo-yo's in about a 10 lb range, and sadly i'm not about to just love and accept myself just the way i am so i am frequently trying fad diets and starting and subsequently abandoning exercise regimens. Well i'm currently in one of those phases. I recently (like, a couple days ago) decided i am going to cut sugar and carbs out of my diet to try and shed a few lbs. So when it comes to root beer reviews, i selected one that doesn't have sugar (or at least not much sugar). And as we all know, root beers in that category are often considered "natural" sodas, which translated means flavorless and/or gross. Well this is one of those kinds of root beers. My wife fittingly discovered this at our local Sprouts grocery store and picked up a can for me cuz she's a nice lady and supports this stupid hobby of mine. Olipop is the latest to jump on the trend of "healthy" sodas with a lineup of 6 different flavors. Also, you'll notice that Olipop spelled backward is Popilo. This has absolutely no significance that i am aware of but it seems like it should, doesn't it? The can says this was manufactured in Oakland, CA but i don't know how long Olipop has been around. The website states the mission of this soda is not only to get away from overloading your diet with sugar but also promoting a healthy gut biome, which is why these sodas have probiotics, botanicals and plant fibers to help promote good digestive health. So where will i steer this review you ask? Exactly where you think i will. But first...

My wife found this in a 12 oz can. I don't know if they have any other vessels of commerce that they distribute this soda in but the design is simple, somewhat neo-retro, and clean. It's typical of the aesthetic of most home renovation Instagram posts these days. It's certainly not the worst design i've seen. Very cute and inviting. But just like all the other natural, healthy root beers i have tried, this stuff is barely a root beer. I was actually pleasantly surprised and given a sense of hope by the aroma of root beer when i cracked the can, but then was immediately returned to taste jail upon drinking it. I mean... what else can i say that i haven't said about the others? It's completely flat, mostly water flavored and has a hint of plant residue and dirty utensils. You can really taste the nature. No semblance of root beer flavor whatsoever. But, at least it's healthy and doesn't have sugar in it. And maybe it will also give me a comfortable and successful movement later. 

My official review is that Olipop Classic Root Beer gets 3 (three) IBCs. Honestly, that's a generous score, but i will say in Olipop's favor that this stuff isn't completely undrinkable. The after-aftertaste is actually where you get some of the root beer notes, but it has to sit on your tongue for a good long bit before it gives you any real flavor profile. This stuff is not for me, but i knew that going in so i am not being very harsh on Olipop. The deck was stacked against them from the start. So while this score may feel like i am taking a crap on Olipop i have the feeling they will return the favor when i rocket diarrhea into my pants during work tomorrow. And all i can say about that is it wouldn't be the first time.