I know I harp on this a lot, but every time I go to Disney I am more and more convinced of how sinister that organization is. I’m currently in therapy, so before I level yet another criticism I have against this corporation, I want to start by saying something nice about Disney. When I go to Disneyland, or any of the Disney World parks really, I expect the park to be clean, to be safe, and to be reasonably in working order. And for the most part, Disney delivers. For the amount of garbage generated in these locations, you never see it piled up in back corners or low traffic areas. People are employed to make sure it looks nice. Disney Security is no joke. They don’t suffer idiots lightly and will remove anyone seeking to make problems for the rest of the park goers. When I go to drink water from the water fountain, I don’t worry if it's clean water or not, and as an added bonus I can count on it to be cold. I was once told that every night Disney employees go through the park and replant any dead flowers and touch up any painted surfaces that may need it because they want the park goers to have the best possible experience. Not sure if that last one is true or not, but it certainly fits the narrative that Disney is putting its best foot forward when it comes to giving you the optimal experience. The one catch; you’re gonna pay for it. The Disney Corporation has SO MUCH MONEY. An insane amount of money really. All they care about is money. Money money money. It’s the only motivation this company has. Nothing they do or create or promote is not in the service of getting you to give them more of your money. Why? So that it can be their money. As of this posting, the Disney Corporation has a market capitalization of $176.96 billion. What does market capitalization mean? I have no idea. But I know what $176.96 billion means. It means they have so much money that they simply leave it lying on the ground all over their parks.
That being said, this root beer is the answer to the age-old question, “what root beer do rich people drink?” The answer is right in front of your nose, my friend. Of course, it’s MoneyBag Root Beer, brought to you by none other than Gene Simmons, the legendary face of the 1970’s glam rock band KISS. Now, first and foremost I have to make it clear… I couldn’t care less about the band KISS. I’m a 90’s kid and had little-to-no exposure to this music growing up. By the time I had developed my taste in music and could actually find any value in the catalog of this band, I simply did not. I heard enough to formulate my decision fairly early. On top of that, all I know of Gene Simmons is that he is a self-obsessed ego maniac and a promotional whore. He really thinks he’s the cat’s pajamas, even while looking like if Satan’s henchman was actually an old, angry casino mob boss’s grandma (and that’s without all his performance makeup on). And in an attempt to both stay relevant and also bilk working class people out of their hard earned money (Disney’s ears are burning), Mr. Simmons has created a line of sodas, what I can only imagine is his idea of a lucrative revenue stream since all his fans are now in recovery.
Alright, i've already rambled on for far too long, so let me just make this brief. The bottle is a clear glass 12 oz with a slight champagne bottle shape, not that it's anything special. I doubt that was intentional but perhaps Grandma Gene thought it would appeal to his clientele and add to the overall theme of "look how wealthy I am". The label is a sticker with just 2 or 3 colors, all in the brown/tan/beige variety. It's not a bad design, featuring a large sack of money under the name of the root beer. But it's instantly ruined by the fact that this narcissist has to put his signature on the label (and the bottle cap) so you won't forget he's taking your money and in return giving you the bare minimum of what a root beer should be. That's right, the big reveal; this stuff isn't very good. [insert lack of surprise here] To be fair (again, my therapy kicking in here) it has a decent creamy vanilla flavor and nice carbonation with a sweet cane sugar finish. Now, niceties dispensed, the flavor it does carry is very small and thin. It mostly tastes like watered down root beer. They are letting the cane sugar do most of the heavy lifting with the sweetness, but in reality this stuff is just mediocre. I struggle to find the root beer flavor shine through and when it does it's quite enjoyable. But ultimately i'm left drinking basically just sugar flavored water. Still, it's more of a root beer than many others i have tried and it doesn't leave a gross taste in my mouth.
Also, my wife says it tastes like medicine. Just thought i'd throw that in there if anyone was curious.
My official review is that MoneyBag Root beer gets 5 (five) IBCs. I feel like i'm being generous here, way more generous than i really need to be with this stuff. Still, for what it is (an obvious cash grab by a money-hungry, hanger-on has-been who really doesn't need it) they could have done way way worse with it. And so for the middle of the road effort put into making this thing i will award a middle of the road rating. I doubt i will get this again, but it's not the worst thing you can do with your money.
That would be giving it to Disney.
