Chumlee Root Beer

 

I once worked at a job i didn't like for 9 years. During that time i was mostly sitting in a low rise cube, staring at a computer screen and answering phone calls, and occasionally responding to emails. It was a means to an end while i was going to school, probably around 2005 or 2006. The company i worked for was expanding and growing like crazy. There was a lot of turnover at that job, constantly cycling through new people. So every once in a while there would be a corporate wide email sent out to which people would reply-all and everyone in the company would get inane comments from random (often new) people regarding equally inane topics and subjects. One such occasion one of these emails went out and sparked a chain of people replying all telling everyone else to stop replying all. I typically stayed out of these exchanges as they merit nothing. Just a bunch of dummies saying "remove me from this list" and "everyone can see your response, stop replying all". But for whatever reason, probably boredom ultimately, i decided to reply to this chain. And not just reply, i intentionally did what everyone else said not to do and hit the reply-all button. I didn't say anything crass or insulting or directed at any one person or group individually. All i said was, "I like mac and cheese. There, i said it." The email storm that erupted after this was neither foreseen nor warranted. Tons of others followed suit by replying with random and non-germane responses that went to everyone in the corporation. Many people replied to me directly, laughing and saying it was really funny (which it wasn't really). Some asked if i realized this went out to the whole company, to which i responded individually and said, "look... i like mac and cheese and i don't care who knows it." Most of it was in a spirit of fun and good will, something this job lacked in spades. Outside of that i did nothing to further the chaos or provoke or incite more email insanity. But one person responded to me directly and told me i would be reported for wasting company resources. And guess what, i was reported. And i was pulled into a room and disciplined by my corporate overlords and formally written up with my first warning. That response to my harmless and playful, albeit inappropriately timed little escapade was completely unwarranted. I was singled out as an instigator when the storm was already happening, i just added some levity to the situation. But the backlash i got did not fit the crime in my opinion. Which is the opinion i have about this root beer. This is a completely unnecessary root beer. Chumlee Root Beer is another of the novelty root beers put out by Rocket Fizz where i found this. For the uninitiated, Chumlee is the name of a guy on the reality TV show Pawn Stars. I don't know anything else about the show, just that it is on TV and people sell their stuff to the pawn shop and Chumlee is one of the people working in the pawn shop. I know nothing more and i want to know nothing more because i don't watch shows of people doing their jobs. Oh, and apparently this guy is stupid wealthy now. That's all i know. Oh, and it's on the History channel, cuz... well, i don't know but it makes me lose a lot of respect for the History channel. 

Anyway, this is backed by/distributed by Rocket Fizz meaning they have a professional operation. The label is very colorful and depicts Chumlee with arms spread wide in the crucifix position with a big smile and the invocation to "Be Awesome". Maybe that's something he says on the show or something. Again, i don't know cuz i don't watch it. It's an eye-catching label based on how colorful and sparkly it is alone, but outside of that there is nothing to distinguish this root beer from any other. And just like the rest of these novelty root beers from Rocket Fizz, it tastes just the same and that taste is not very good. It's a cheap generic knockoff root beer they bottle and slap various labels on to be silly or funny and appeal to a more wide audience of passers-by. No one is seeking this root beer out, that I'm sure of. If you go to someones house and they have even more than one of these in their fridge then you need to evaluate your relationship with that person. The root beer flavor is very faint, basic and barely there. The aftertaste is downright offensive. And the overall conceit of this root beer is motivated by making money. There is no love in this endeavor. I doubt they even have to license Chumlee's likeness for this because if they did it wouldn't be worth it. This stuff is less than average. It is the definition of sub-par.

My official review is that Chumlee Root Beer gets 3 (three) IBCs. I initially gave this a 4 but in re-evaluating i am dropping it to a 3. Avoid this stuff unless... well, there is not really a good reason not to avoid this one in my mind. It's not so disgusting as to make me gag or not finish the bottle, but it's not good by any stretch of the imagination and i see no reason to reach for another one of these in the future. To plus it up a bit my kids and i "enjoyed" making root beer floats with equally bland Kroger brand vanilla ice cream. And you know what, it makes a decent float, but i think you have to intentionally try and ruin a root beer float to make it not good. So just like Chumlee himself, i will be going back to knowing nothing about this root beer. 

O-Zell Root Beer

 

Wow... it's been a long time and i can't believe it's taken me this long to finally review this one (sorry, let's just get right to it this time though). I've come across O-Zell several times and from multiple vendors. Though not mainstream enough to show up in most grocery stores (at least not in my region), this is a fairly common root beer to encounter when visiting different boutique soda or vintage candy stores. So I've actually had this in my fridge for... well, years at this point. I don't remember when i picked it up or where but i've seen this one in my encounters in several stores in several states. Yet i knew nothing about it until now. Honestly i am more shocked it's not more popular if only for the fact that O-Zell Soda Co. was established in 1912 and an early investor was Elias Disney, the father of none other than Walt and Roy Disney. Wait, WHAT? You're telling me this has the full backing of the Disney Corporation and it's not absolutely dominating the soda frontier with a brutal competitive edge? I have strong feelings about the Disney Corporation, from as benign and annoying as how they raise their prices every year and continually gouge the consumer when they rival Apple, Google and Netflix in the corporate environment, to the more sinister like how Disney, Coca-cola and McDonald's form the triumvirate of evil by acquiring wealth, property, influence and power with aims on nothing short of WORLD DOMINATION. I'm telling you... keep your eye on them. And the worst part is as much as i detest going to their parks and buying their merchandise and seeing their movies, i do it. Mostly for my kids and my wife, but partially for me too. And that's the hardest part really. I'm giving my money to a behemoth who both doesn't need it and will never even really understand it but just keeps requiring it from me and everyone else on the planet. A company that big and influential is grotesque. But i'm gonna keep funding it and getting minimal entertainment, maximum guilt and (luckily) some decent family memories in return. 

Anyway, back to O-Zell, why isn't this soda everywhere? I don't think it's even in Disney parks, is it? The company was founded in Silver Lake, CA, but it has ties to Chicago, IL if only by the means of funding the restoration and preservation of the childhood home of Walt and Roy Disney. The illustrated story is on the website, complete with heroes and villains, for those who want to read it. The website and label seem fairly professional and not the cheapest option. The cartoon depiction of Elias Disney graces the bottom of the label. The label and website say they use all natural flavors, like Hawaiian sugar cane. And honestly, it doesn't taste bad. It's actually pretty good. So they have a decent product, a professional operation, an inexhaustible financial backing and even the borrowed good will of most of the planet by association alone. So again... why isn't this stuff synonymous with water? It just makes me wonder if they really do have those kinds of resources and cachet, or maybe the management of this branch isn't subject to the same corporate edict of nothing less than ruthlessly and absolutely crushing all competition. 

The taste is a bit thin, but it isn't unpleasant. That sounds like i'm trying to not say i like this stuff. Truthfully, i don't really. But it's not terrible. I would say it's better than most. It doesn't have a "natural" soda taste, which is good, and i doubt they strive to be a healthy alternative. But the creamy root beer flavor, though thin, is pretty decent for a craft soda. The taste doesn't last long and leaves a bad taste in my mouth, but it's enjoyable. My kids both liked it as well, which seems like the target audience if they lean the same way as their corporate masters. So overall i'd say... not too bad.

My official review is that O-Zell Root Beer gets 6 (six) IBCs. This is a good root beer, but it's not in 7 territory. I'd say 6.5 if i did non-integer ratings. But i don't. So it's a 6 (yeah, i rounded down but i think they will be ok). Look, does this soda have any real ties to the Disney Corporation? Probably not. So i am gonna look for it the next time i visit one of the parks with my family. That will be the real tell to know if this stuff is really affiliated with Disney or just part of the corporate machine trying to syphon off of Disney's success. And that's probably the only thing worse than Disney itself.