KISS Army Root Beer

I don’t think I’m very good with money. To be completely honest, I do fine. I have a good job making a fairly compensated income and I’m the sole breadwinner in the family. We live a comfortable life. We have a nice home that we are fixing up ourselves and all our necessities are covered. And on top of all this I have very little debt, a decent retirement account and some money in the bank for emergencies, so I’m by no means in dire straits. In fact, while I would likely fall squarely into the middle of the middle class nationally, I’m considered one of the richest people in the world in global terms (as are many of you, my dear readers). But I constantly feel like I just “get by” rather than thrive. We have used cars that are paid off and falling apart. We eat out one to two times a week and take family vacations a couple times a year. Truthfully, it’s all I really deserve. But any of my attempts to “get ahead” rather then “get by” are thwarted by events out of my control as well as my own poor money managing decisions. Let’s go back to our home that we are fixing up. Buying a fixer upper has out of necessity made me into a DIY guy. It doesn’t hurt that I have a bit of knack for it as well as a natural interest in fixing things and working with my hands. So when our washing machine started to go out, I dove into YouTube videos to diagnose and understand the issue in an attempt to be frugal and thrifty and to make do with what I already have, the main goal being to avoid spending $600-$800 on a new washer when this one was perfectly adequate at cleaning our clothes and shouldn’t be too hard to figure out for a guy like me. Cut to more than a month of weekends spent removing suspect parts and replacing them with new parts only to find out that the suspect part likely wasn’t the issue at all and ordering other new parts to replace other suspect parts. A few rounds of that and a lot of frustration and swearing led me to finally call in the experts and get a tech out to the house to officially diagnose the problem, which is what I should have done in the first place. This is the downside of DIY. Unless you really know, you don’t know, and in this case, I didn’t know. Now I’ve put around $700 of new parts and service calls into this 10 year old washing machine when I should have just gone out and got a new one. My latest replacement part was just delivered, the part the technician guaranteed will fix the issue. Well I installed it and guess what… it didn’t fix the issue. But when he came back out to look at it again he told me to try replacing the same things i already replaced. So do I keep dumping money into this garbage fire or just bite the bullet and sell this on craigslist and get a new one? Either way, I feel like a failure. 

Speaking of failures, this is another novelty branded "joke" offering from Rocket Fizz, this time capitalizing on the fandom of the 1970's glam rock band KISS, aptly named KISS Army Root Beer. I already mentioned this in previous posts but i am not a fan of the band KISS. I know they have a following, though i think their fans are likely dying off in droves by this point and i doubt they are on-boarding new recruits. I just don't get it. Some of the music is "fun" i guess, but i was too young to enlist in the KISS Army. Not to mention, with my religious upbringing i was told this band was evil because their name is an acronym for Knights In Satan's Service, though from my limited exposure to their music i can find no indication of Satanic symbolism or suggestive themes. I don't think my parents needed to worry though. Their music itself was enough of a deterrent for me to find interest in other things entirely. Not to mention the iconic face of the band, Gene Simmons, is a legendary whore in the sense that he will shill anything with KISS attached to it. Truly the Garfield of the rock world (shots fired, Jim Davis).  

My original plan was to review this next to the previous root beer i just reviewed, Jimi's Hey Joe Root Beer, because i had a sneaking suspicion that they are the same root beer. But when i went down to my local Rocket Fizz i was unable to find either of these root beers in stock, and it's been a few days since i tried the Jimi's. To be fair, i no longer think these are the same based on the distinct "Christmas" aftertaste i get from this root beer (think Dad's Root Beer). Nothing on the ingredients list indicates this has anything distinctly different from most basic root beers. It seems to be perfectly synthetic in flavor. And the pure cane sugar lends a sweet finish to the overall taste. I must say, it's better than i thought it would be and definitely better than the Jimi Hendrix root beer. You've surprised me on this one Rocket Fizz. Well done on not recycling the same fluid in different labeled bottles. Still, it's a derivative root beer flavor for sure, much like the music of KISS (shots fired, again. It's a regular shooting gallery around here).

My official review is that KISS Army Root Beer gets 6 (six) IBCs. I'm feeling generous for some reason with this one. It exceeded my expectations, so i bumped the score up to 2 more than Jimi's root beer. This in no way reflects how i feel about the music of each of these individuals/groups. If that were the case these scores would be flipped and pushed toward the limits in opposite directions. It's a shame the root beers don't reflect how Jimi is truly a rock legend and a god and KISS will be forgotten about entirely in the next decade or two. Sorry to any of you KISS fans out there. But not really. And you're too old to still be wearing that makeup, you freaks. 

Jimi's Hey Joe Root Beer

I don’t know if I mentioned this already but my wife and I invented a national holiday called Ice Cream’s Birthday. I have no idea when ice cream was really invented, and I doubt the internet does either which is why I refuse to Google it. We choose to celebrate the birth of Ice Cream on June 17^th every year, kinda like how Jesus wasn’t really born on Christmas. And wouldn’t you know it, that means Ice Cream’s Birthday is… TODAY! We just figured it should be during the summer time, which is peak ice cream season, and this arbitrary date holds a bit of personal significance to me that is completely un-ice cream related. It’s something we came up with 20 years ago this year when we were just friends and before we ever dated. We were hanging out at night in a park eating some ice cream and the conversation led us to creating this holiday that is now celebrated annually by a very small group of people. But I’m hoping to make it catch on, so please spread the word (all 4 of you that read this blog). This year we are going to a new ice cream shop that we haven’t been to before. That’s one of the more popular ways we have done this in the past, but I’ve also celebrated by bringing ice cream sandwiches to work and handing them out to people in an attempt to get this thing to catch on. And in case I need to say out loud what everyone already knows, it hasn’t. I’m not affiliated with any ice cream stores and I’m not plugging or shilling for anyone’s personal business. I’m not interested in being compensated or even recognized for creating this glorious holiday, I just want it to be celebrated. I’m just saying go eat some ice cream on June 17^th, people. 

Now, another completely un-ice cream related topic, Jimi Hendrix. Hendrix is considered one of the greatest (if not the greatest) guitar players of all time. His career was cut short when he overdosed at the age of 27. Still, his music is celebrated world wide and he definitely left his mark with his iconic appearances at huge music festivals like Woodstock. Still, for me he was only a passing casual listen. My best friend growing up was obsessed with Hendrix so i've definitely had exposure to most of his catalogue of songs, but even now i don't ever just throw on some Hendrix while I'm driving or working or what have you. 

So what does he have to do with root beer? Nothing, as far as i'm aware. This is another cheap exploitation of a famous person to sell sub-par root beer by the candy store we've all come to know and love; Rocket Fizz. They probably put the same generic root beer into the same bottles as all the other ones and then allocate which ones get which labels. Nothing about this root beer distinguishes it from any other run of the mill average basic root beer. It is flavored with cane sugar and has a thin, weak, watery root beer base flavor laced with a light carbonation. It also leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Truly a terrible root beer to disgrace this man's legacy. I say boo to you Rocket Fizz for this one. I'm about to review a KISS root beer that likely tastes identical to this but still seems more rightly fit for such a mediocre beverage.

My official review is the Jimi's Hey Joe Root Beer gets 4 (four) IBCs. I toyed with giving this a 3 because of how insulting it is to use Jimi's name on this, but on it's merits it's still not an absolutely garbage root beer. It's bad, but i've had worse. And do not be surprised at all when i review the KISS root beer and give it the same rating because i'm fairly certain it's the same liquid in both bottles. 

Black Bear Root Beer

I want to talk a bit about hummus, or as some call it, terrorist peanut butter. It’s a food product that I came to late in life due to my long-time personal bias against hippies. And i know hippies aren’t the source or origin of hummus as a food, but the current incantation of hippies in society today certainly gravitates toward hummus as a means of sustenance. There’s lots of hummus you can get out there in the world today. All different kinds and flavors and consistencies. Store bought, restaurant prepared, homemade… it turns out whatever your specific desire can be fulfilled without a whole lot of fuss or effort. But the one that really sold it for me, really turned the tides against my hippie-centric bias against this food, was the cilantro jalapeno hummus from Pita Jungle. 

For those not in the know, Pita Jungle is a chain of restaurants here in the greater Phoenix area which caters to those looking for a health-conscious meal, mostly delving into Mediterranean cuisine. It’s a local hotbed for hippies. There are several locations just around where I live and all of them are simply lousy with white dudes with dreadlocks, unshaven ladies, and body odor that could strip the paint off a car. I swore this place off for years and refused to go near them, but as it turns out my wife has a soft spot for hippies and enjoys the fruit platters from Pita Jungle very much. SOOOO… not-so-long story even less long, I went there one night with my wife and some friends and we end up getting a starter plate of pitas and cilantro jalapeno hummus. And that was it. I’m officially in love with this hummus. I’ve tried to find similar mixtures from stores, my wife has attempted to make some at home from a recipe she found online, and each time I’m left disappointed because no one can recreate the magic that Pita Jungle has captured in their preparation. It’s crazy how perfectly balanced it is and just seems to cut through all the nonsense that gets packed into other hummus recipes. Even the other hummus flavors at Pita Jungle can’t compare. I mean, many of them are fine, but this stuff is in a whole different league. 

What does this have to do with root beer? Nothing, as far as i can tell. But i figure i'd just get that admission off my chest. So switching gears entirely, lets talk about this root beer. I think i got a 6 pack of this either from my wife of from a friend of mine. Black Bear Root Beer is bottled by Sprecher Brewing Company in Glendale, WI. I reviewed the standard Sprecher Root Beer years ago as one of the first ones when i started this blog and remember being fond of it but i couldn't tell you anything about it right now off the top of my head. Going back to read my post about it didn't provide much insight either. But just know this root beer is another offering from the same brewery/distributer. It comes in a standard bottle with an image of a large full moon in the background with the silhouettes of a mama bear and two cubs walking in the foreground. There is a short paragraph on the website about a bear named Clara, dubbed "the Legend", that was spotted in 1931 drinking from a puddle of root beer in the Northern Wisconsin woods under a full moon. I don't know how a puddle of root beer came to be in a remote area of the Northern Wisconsin woods, but sometimes it's not for us to know and just to believe and accept. Like religion. Or dying of cancer. 

Let me just say this is a classically good tasting root beer. Like i said, i was fond of Sprecher Root Beer but ultimately deemed it a middle of the road root beer only worthy of 5 IBCs. There is a smooth, creamy sweet base with strong root beer notes that carries this flavor profile quite well. I like the bite of the aftertaste and the overall sweetness. It's just a solid root beer is all. I can't really think of anything else to say about it. So i won't.

My official review is that Black Bear Root Beer gets 7 (seven) IBCs. Like the cilantro hummus from Pita Jungle, this one came out of the gate strong to make it's mark. I really enjoyed this root beer, likely because i have been limiting my sugar intake for the past couple months so having any soda for me right now is a real treat. This stuff is worth picking up if you come across it. 

O-So Butterscotch Root Beer

Well, summer is here in Phoenix, AZ and it's time to get our summer bodies in shape. I have been trying to exercise regularly and cut out sugar in an attempt to slim down so i don't embarrass myself when i go to the public pool. I find my biggest problem is that i have a seriously concerning sweet tooth. I love sweets; candies, ice cream, pies, cookies, soda, etc. All of them have been a non-stop for me basically since the holidays. There wasn't an eggnog i would say no to during that time, and now i have to pay the price for my gluttony by depriving myself of all of it to satisfy my vain ambition to be "decent looking" with my shirt off. It's really all i can hope for at this point. So for the past 2 weeks i have cut sugar out of my diet, and i've been quite good about it. Aside from a sip or two of Pepsi when my wife cracks a can or a small taste of her dessert after a meal, i have cut it out of my diet, and it SUCKS. I still have a crazy craving for sugar, and even with my best efforts to exercise and run at least 3 times a week i am just now starting to see the results of my efforts. It's kinda like driving in a car. You can't be going 60 mph and throw it into reverse and all of a sudden be going backward. You have to slow the speed of your car until you come to a stop and then you can start to go backward. So i'm working this stuff through my system and getting ready to go in reverse and start shedding some lbs. (Every nutritionist out there is calling me an idiot right now, and you know what? They are right.) All of this is to say i've been doing good with my diet but i am breaking it for the sake of this blog. That's how committed i am to getting the truth out there about root beers. Will it be worth it? Probably not.

I thought for sure i did this one before because it's one i've heard about several times in several places, but it appears i am just now getting to reviewing O-So Butterscotch Root Beer, bottled by Orca Beverage Bottling Co. We've seen Orca before as they bottle several other root beers i have tried, like Bedford's and Americana. The label states that O-So has been in production since 1946. I don't know much else about the history as this was likely an old company that either went out of business or sold off the recipe near the end to Orca to continue bottling the root beer. I feel like Orca specializes in finding older, often no longer in production sodas to give them a new life. This seems to be the kinds of root beers bottled by Orca to my knowledge and memory. And as i stated, this one seems like i should have done it already but i didn't see it in my archives so i've either just mistakenly not reviewed this or i got this root beer a long time ago and it's just been sitting in my fridge (both are highly likely scenarios). Since we are already talking about the label i will just go ahead and say the design on this one was phoned in. They did minimal work on this and it shows. Its a yellow... i guess clover shaped blob(?) with white writing in it. No extra points there. The name O-So lends to the statement on the bottom of the label which states that this stuff is "O-So Delicious!"

Well... i don't know if i would call it delicious, but it's pretty good. My main gripe is the same i have with any of the other butterscotch root beers i have had in the past. Too much butterscotch, not enough root beer. This stuff tastes much more like a butter beer than a root beer. This is made with pure cane sugar, which is prominent in the sweetness, and has hints of vanilla and carmel throughout. But the main overwhelming flavor is that of butterscotch. Luckily for me, i enjoy butterscotch quite a lot so this is a bit of a treat for me considering i've been off sugar. I almost don't want to say it but rather like this. My instincts tell me it should have more of a root beer flavor but i think what they have going on is working for them. Perhaps just change the name to butter beer and i won't make such a fuss about it. 

My official review is O-So Butterscotch Root Beer gets 7 (seven) IBCs. This is rated much higher than i should but it's a good drink. Again, i wouldn't call this a root beer but i would say it lives up to the O-So moniker. That's really the only reason it gets a 7, because it tastes very good and scratches that sweetness itch i've been having for the past 2 weeks. Ultimately this was not worth breaking my sugar abstinence for, but to be fair my kids helped me drink it so that i wouldn't overdose. 

MoneyBag Root Beer

I know I harp on this a lot, but every time I go to Disney I am more and more convinced of how sinister that organization is. I’m currently in therapy, so before I level yet another criticism I have against this corporation, I want to start by saying something nice about Disney. When I go to Disneyland, or any of the Disney World parks really, I expect the park to be clean, to be safe, and to be reasonably in working order. And for the most part, Disney delivers. For the amount of garbage generated in these locations, you never see it piled up in back corners or low traffic areas. People are employed to make sure it looks nice. Disney Security is no joke. They don’t suffer idiots lightly and will remove anyone seeking to make problems for the rest of the park goers. When I go to drink water from the water fountain, I don’t worry if it's clean water or not, and as an added bonus I can count on it to be cold. I was once told that every night Disney employees go through the park and replant any dead flowers and touch up any painted surfaces that may need it because they want the park goers to have the best possible experience. Not sure if that last one is true or not, but it certainly fits the narrative that Disney is putting its best foot forward when it comes to giving you the optimal experience. The one catch; you’re gonna pay for it. The Disney Corporation has SO MUCH MONEY. An insane amount of money really. All they care about is money. Money money money. It’s the only motivation this company has. Nothing they do or create or promote is not in the service of getting you to give them more of your money. Why? So that it can be their money. As of this posting, the Disney Corporation has a market capitalization of $176.96 billion. What does market capitalization mean? I have no idea. But I know what $176.96 billion means. It means they have so much money that they simply leave it lying on the ground all over their parks. 

These photos show coins, “wishes” really, littered around the Disney parks that they don’t even want or need. They won’t ever collect this money because THEY DON’T EVEN WANT THIS MONEY. Ride Small World, or Big Thunder Mountain, or even the ferry from the Magic Kingdom parking lot to the park entrance. There is a staggering amount of money all around you just lying on the ground, in the water, on buildings, in small crevices, everywhere. And I know it’s just coins, but that all adds up. I go through my wife’s car from time to time to harvest all the coins she accumulates and routinely come up with around $100 every 6 months or so. Now imagine all the money Disney accumulates every day that it doesn’t even care to collect. This isn’t even on the books. It’s just there, YOUR money, to remind you how rich they are. Perhaps instead of raising ticket prices year after year they could just go pick up all these forgotten wishes. But they would never do that. They would just collect those coins and still raise ticket prices next year. 

That being said, this root beer is the answer to the age-old question, “what root beer do rich people drink?” The answer is right in front of your nose, my friend. Of course, it’s MoneyBag Root Beer, brought to you by none other than Gene Simmons, the legendary face of the 1970’s glam rock band KISS. Now, first and foremost I have to make it clear… I couldn’t care less about the band KISS. I’m a 90’s kid and had little-to-no exposure to this music growing up. By the time I had developed my taste in music and could actually find any value in the catalog of this band, I simply did not. I heard enough to formulate my decision fairly early. On top of that, all I know of Gene Simmons is that he is a self-obsessed ego maniac and a promotional whore. He really thinks he’s the cat’s pajamas, even while looking like if Satan’s henchman was actually an old, angry casino mob boss’s grandma (and that’s without all his performance makeup on). And in an attempt to both stay relevant and also bilk working class people out of their hard earned money (Disney’s ears are burning), Mr. Simmons has created a line of sodas, what I can only imagine is his idea of a lucrative revenue stream since all his fans are now in recovery. 

Alright, i've already rambled on for far too long, so let me just make this brief. The bottle is a clear glass 12 oz with a slight champagne bottle shape, not that it's anything special. I doubt that was intentional but perhaps Grandma Gene thought it would appeal to his clientele and add to the overall theme of "look how wealthy I am". The label is a sticker with just 2 or 3 colors, all in the brown/tan/beige variety. It's not a bad design, featuring a large sack of money under the name of the root beer. But it's instantly ruined by the fact that this narcissist has to put his signature on the label (and the bottle cap) so you won't forget he's taking your money and in return giving you the bare minimum of what a root beer should be. That's right, the big reveal; this stuff isn't very good. [insert lack of surprise here] To be fair (again, my therapy kicking in here) it has a decent creamy vanilla flavor and nice carbonation with a sweet cane sugar finish. Now, niceties dispensed, the flavor it does carry is very small and thin. It mostly tastes like watered down root beer. They are letting the cane sugar do most of the heavy lifting with the sweetness, but in reality this stuff is just mediocre. I struggle to find the root beer flavor shine through and when it does it's quite enjoyable. But ultimately i'm left drinking basically just sugar flavored water. Still, it's more of a root beer than many others i have tried and it doesn't leave a gross taste in my mouth. 

Also, my wife says it tastes like medicine. Just thought i'd throw that in there if anyone was curious.

My official review is that MoneyBag Root beer gets 5 (five) IBCs. I feel like i'm being generous here, way more generous than i really need to be with this stuff. Still, for what it is (an obvious cash grab by a money-hungry, hanger-on has-been who really doesn't need it) they could have done way way worse with it. And so for the middle of the road effort put into making this thing i will award a middle of the road rating. I doubt i will get this again, but it's not the worst thing you can do with your money. 

That would be giving it to Disney. 

Joby Joe's Root Beer Float

Well... it's a new year and i didn't accomplish my goal. I got close, but i still have around 7 or so root beers in my fridge i need to drink to clean out my backlog. But i'm making progress and that's what ultimately counts. Luckily i have some pretty good Vegas odds in my favor if i go ahead and say right now that i will clean out my fridge by the end of the year. So i'm gonna go ahead and do that. I will clean out my backlog from my fridge by the end of this year. And if i don't... well, then there's always next year i suppose. The ones i have left are the ones i have kind of grouped together. I have 2 that are made by the same brewery in different flavors, 3 that are music themed (including 2 KISS themed root beers if you can believe that), and a then a couple stragglers, which this one is. Joby Joe's Root Beer Float is a flavor distributed by Rocket Fizz. It appears to be a one-off and specifically appears to be somewhat of a memorial for the handsome young man pictured on the label. The label is very bright and colorful with a photograph of a young guy standing in front of a tent in the woods holding a fishing rod and a lantern. The label entreats you to "enjoy the outdoors" in what looks like Coca-Cola font. And then the part that tips off that this is a memorial is "in memory of Joe" printed at an angle following along the fishing rod he is holding. At the bottom of the label it says that a portion of the proceeds from this sale goes to a homeless organization. So that's nice. Rocket Fizz is great for picking up these little one-off producers who don't have lines of sodas in various flavors. The downside is you don't get much info about the root beer itself, like who makes it, how long it's been in production, or what happened to this poor guy who they are celebrating with this soda. Kind of a weird way to memorialize someone, but i'm not openly against the idea. Maybe that's what i want for myself when i pass, but the one stipulation i have is that every bottle of delicious root beer has to have a little bit of my ashes in it as well. That way i really will always be with whoever drinks it (or at least until they pee). 

Well, i've already talked a lot about the label, so lets just jump into the taste. I know i say this a lot about basically every root beer i review but the overwhelming taste i get from this is simply "sweet". It's almost sharply sweet, but that's really just the first piercing taste, followed by a muted root beer flavor. It's a little obscured by the amount of carbonation, which isn't a bad thing. The aftertaste is a little unpleasant, almost reminiscent of a diet soda even though this is sweetened with cane sugar. I don't get a real strong root beer vibe from this. It's very subtle and the sweetness really takes over from the start. But i don't think it's bad tasting, just doesn't quite hit that strong root beer flavor that i'm looking for. Most of the ingredients are typical of what you would find in similar root beers and nothing really makes this one stand out, but i am also not repulsed by this one. It's just very mid. And this calls itself a root beer float but i don't get much of the creaminess that would make it more of a float flavor. So it's just a very average, run of the mill, nothing special, middle of the road root beer. 

My official review is that Joby Joe's Root Beer Float gets 5 (five) IBC's. It's good, but not great. I like the taste though it could use a stronger root beer base. And it seems like the money goes to a good cause. But i wouldn't reach for this one again next time i'm in Rocket Fizz because there are so many other better options out there. Maybe give it a shot if you're interested. 

Reading Draft Root Beer

I have a confession to make. Call it a Christmas confession if you will. I have been stealing oranges from my neighbor’s tree for the past 3 Christmases since we moved into our new house. I say “neighbor”, but it’s technically a house that is one street over from us. I’m just gonna be right up front here for a second; I acknowledge this is a moral wrong that I am doing but I have concocted a flimsy justification for why I am allowed to steal these oranges. When we were looking to buy a house a few years ago we looked at this very house with the orange tree and were going to submit an offer. However, this was during the time right before the pandemic when all houses for sale were getting 30+ offers, most if not all of which were above the asking price. When it came time for us to submit an offer the sellers simply said they had too many offers already and didn’t want to consider another one. So we never really got a chance to try and buy that house. We had offers for other homes rejected in the past, but this one felt a little unfair cuz they wouldn’t even hear us out. And to be frank that house was good, but not great. There were plenty of things I didn’t love about it and I truthfully feel like the house we ended up in is a better fit for us. 

But man… that orange tree in the front yard produces some seriously incredible oranges. They are large, sweet, seedless, juicy oranges that would convince anyone they are worth stealing. They are incredible. And the people who ended up buying the house don’t seem to do anything with them and they just go to waste. So in the dead of night I will creep over to the house the next street over and fill a bag with oranges and bring them home for my kids to eat, which they do with exuberant enthusiasm. They freakin love these oranges. But the cat is out of the bag in that they know I am stealing these oranges and that presents a moral conundrum. I don’t want them to talk to their friends and our neighbors telling them I am stealing oranges, so I should stop doing it. BUUUUUT... they are also complicit and love love love eating them and demand I steal more when we run out, so I have to keep doing it. It has become a Christmas tradition at this point. So I’m trying to do what all governments, countless religions and cults, and even well-meaning parents have done for centuries… I am creating a narrative (with some similar motifs) to explain how these oranges show up in our house during the winter in hopes it gets repeated enough to wash out the real story and becomes the truth. I call it, “The Legend of the White Whisper.” The name White Whisper actually comes from someone I knew in my early 20s essentially doing door-to-door sales who drove a white Chevy Cavalier. He called it the White Whisper because it was white, quiet, non-descript, unflashy, and capable of sneaking into neighborhoods without alarming anyone into not answering their doors when he came knocking. The White Whisper is an entity, like Santa Claus, that brings delicious, juicy ripe oranges to your home during the Christmas season as long as you believe (and live near at least one fruit-bearing orange tree). No one knows what the White Whisper looks like (certainly not a middle aged man in a hoodie), but just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not real.  If you anger the White Whisper then you will not receive a bounty of delicious White Whisper Oranges (that’s what my kids call them). Oh, and also, you have to say “White Whisper” in a whisper when you say it out loud. If you don’t that angers him. Her? I guess we haven’t nailed down gender pronouns for the WW just yet. Regardless though, I am in the early stages now of establishing what will become a prominent world religion soon. I’m sure you’ll see the headlines once I have officially founded the Church of the White Whisper, get granted tax exempt status, and declare that all my followers wives are now my wives. It’s gonna be great.

Alright, orange-based sex cults aside, let's talk about Reading Draft Root Beer. Reading Soda Works Bottling Co. is in Reading, PA and has been in operation since 1921 with a line of sodas in flavors common among smaller distributors. The variety of flavors is quite impressive honestly. It's just a shame the root beer flavor is no good (spoiler). It comes in a traditional 12 oz brown glass bottle and has a well made and unique label featuring an old steam powered locomotive. This seems to be the "mascot", if you will, for Reading Works Soda Co. I am not sure if Reading, PA is known for it's trains but that would make sense. The website boasts of using pure cane sugar and all natural ingredients for the retro taste you're looking for. To me, retro means old, and that's the best way i could describe the taste of this stuff. It tastes old. It doesn't taste like root beer at all. My son said it tastes too sweet to him, but what gets me is the unpleasant aftertaste it leaves in your mouth. It's reminiscent of the now defunct Journey John Barleycorn line of root beers that left a distinct impression on me, and i mean that in a bad way. I don't like this stuff, like not at all. In fact, i may go as far as to say i hate it. Drinking it was in no way pleasurable. Still, i drank the whole bottle, so it's not so bad as to make me pour it down the drain like i have with some other root beers over the years. But it's a safe bet i will never be drinking this one again, at least not for leisure or without being paid or under duress or something like that. 

My official review is that Reading Draft Root Beer gets 3 (three) IBCs. This was not a pleasure to drink. This was me doing my job as a root beer reviewer. You gotta take the bad with the good, and this was the bad. I gave them some credit for being so well established and having a large selection of flavors. Perhaps some of the other ones are tolerable or even enjoyable, but the root beer felt like a slog finish. It's a shame White Whisper season is over because that would have been a great way to get this taste out of my mouth.