Fiz Roc City Root Beer

I heard recently about a writing exercise in the book Bird by Bird which instructs you to describe a school lunch. The one that immediately sprang to mind for me was in middle school. I was probably in 6^th or 7^th grade at the time. Like most schools, our school lunch options were rather lack luster and I often brought a lunch from home as my parents rarely gave me money for school lunch. But the most popular school meal for us at that time was easily pizza day. The cafeteria would make homemade pizza on big rectangular cookie sheets and cut and serve square slices to all the kids who bought lunch that day. If you were lucky you got an edge piece, and a corner piece was like winning the lottery. To my memory the pizza was mediocre at best, but all the kids who ate it acted like it was the best pizza they had ever tasted, exacerbated by the fact that our small town had really only two pizza restaurants so there wasn’t much to compare it to. This particular lunch day I had neither a lunch I brought from home nor money to buy school lunch. I simply went to lunch with my peers with no thought of how or what I would eat. I don’t know if I thought someone would take care of me but I definitely had the feeling I should be eating some pizza with my classmates even though I had no way of procuring anything. I sat next to my friend named Jake and did the thing which I still have a tendency to do, which is to determine something I think is funny to me and proceed to annoy everyone around me incessantly until consequences intervene to put an end to my shenanigans. I don’t recall exactly what I was doing to Jake, but for sure it was annoying and I got what was coming to me. I was pestering Jake, probably about getting him to share some of his pizza, and it got to the point where I was the only one thinking we were all having fun and laughing and Jake had had enough. The actual inciting incident escapes me, but after one too many annoyances Jake palmed his pizza square and shoved it directly into my face. He mashed it back and forth a bit and then got up and left the table. I started laughing, probably initially out of shock and then out of embarrassment, but he wasn’t laughing and no one else around me was laughing. I then quickly shifted to subtly and then uncontrollably crying. People around me took notice and some kids speculated it was because the pizza was hot and burning my face. I didn’t correct them, but I can say it was more so that I was completely embarrassed by my friend for my stupid antics. It was humiliating and I learned a valuable lesson that day; stop being so damn annoying all the time. Sadly, this is a lesson I have learned many more times after this. Just usually without having pizza shoved in my face. So there. That’s my lunch story. Was it worth it? Probably not. 

This is one of those root beers i could have sworn i have already reviewed. I see this one around during my root beer escapades and research efforts. Most notably the last time i likely saw this was at our local Rocket Fizz shop, which is probably where i found this one. Fiz Roc City Root Beer is bottled by College Club Beverages in Rochester, NY. I found Facebook and Instagram pages for College Club Beverages, both of which put in the bare minimum effort to even say the same of the venture. I don't use any social media whatsoever and generally eschew all forms of it so i didn't really delve into either of these internet searches, mostly out of defiance, but also largely because i can't pretend to care about all the bottlers out there. The one bit of info i did glean from my very sparing research is that College Club Beverages is family owned and operated and has been in business since 1922.They have a variety of flavors, though i couldn't list any of them or point you to any websites where you could browse or buy any of them. But like i said, i see this one all the time when i am looking and i would have bet you anything i had already reviewed it. But like so many others i probably just bought it and buried in the back of my fridge and didn't give it another thought. 

This comes in a fairly standard 12 oz. clear glass bottle. The label is super duper simple and minimal. I think the background color of the label may change based on what flavor soda you are purchasing/consuming, but otherwise there is basically nothing to it. And i'm just gonna cut to the chase cuz i don't have much else to say about this... it's bad. It doesn't taste like root beer. It doesn't taste like anything. It's very thin and watery with a hint of cane sugar. It tastes like brown. It tastes like chemicals. It tastes like sadness. It tastes like failure. It's not good. Not even a little bit. The only redeeming quality is that it doesn't taste so offensive as to make me want to vomit or to commit violence against my fellow man. And that's really all that can be said about this. To quote Sean Hannity, it's a travesty. 

My official review is that Fiz Roc City Root Beer gets 2 (two) IBCs. It has been a long time since i've had a root beer this terrible. I can only imagine the rest of their flavors follow suit. Something tells me the recipe has changed over time because there is no way a company stays in business since 1922 peddling garbage like this. If you come across this one, DO NOT BOTHER. It is an utter failure and a disappointment to all other root beers. 

Labrador Root Beer

My daughter asked me something that really made me think the other day. We were outside walking down to the street corner to see some river stones which had been painted for Halloween and she asked, "Daddy, are birds good?" I wasn't sure what she meant at first and thought perhaps she was asking if they are good to eat. So i said, "what do you mean by that?" And she replied, "you know... for the world." 

Mind totally blown. 

I have never really stopped and pondered on this fundamental question; Are birds good for the world? I mean, from everything i can tell it's all signs point to yes, right? Birds are good for the world. Sure we all have experiences with birds which may be unpleasant. For example, pigeons are fairly reviled, but still, I kicked one once just for the fun of it and it is still a source of shame for me. So, you know, that one backfired on me. And i lived near peacocks in my teens and they used to crap on my car, which i didn't appreciate. 

Oh, and when i lived in Florida i parked my car at work under some telephone lines and when i came out after work my car looked like this. So i think there is evidence that could be presented that birds are in fact NOT good for the world. I just haven't heard any salient arguments against birds, but i am open to the notion. SOOO... i guess this is your call to action? Go out there and present your case for why birds are not good for the world. I'm eager to see where my blindspots are in regards to this inquiry. 

Alfred Hitchcock... i'd like to get his take on the birds question. Him and Sully Sullenberger. Probably some interesting insights from both those gentlemen…

Anyway, i suppose it's time to get another review in the books. I am cleaning out my fridge and the end is in sight, but i still have a few to go. Labrador Root Beer is another soda distributed by Rocket Fizz. I thought this might have been Canadian at first because i am pretty sure there is a region or territory of Canada near Nova Scotia and Newfoundland called Labrador. But it's not from Canada. It's from America. And that's about all the info i have on this root beer. It comes in a 12 oz brown glass bottle and I like the label. It's very professional and has a gorgeous image of a labrador retriever, i assume. I know nothing about dogs or dog breeds. But it is a nice photo realistic image and next to its head is what looks like the end of a shotgun shell that says "Champion Of The USA". So there's that. 

The label also says this root beer is "all natural" and distinctly says "butterscotch". You know what this root beer doesn't taste like? You guessed it; butterscotch. When my son cracked the cap using his swiss army knife bottle opener for the first time the initial aroma i was hit with was black licorice. That's what the label should have said; "black licorice", cuz that's what it tastes like. Not butterscotch. Not even a little bit. I almost got the distinct flavor of mint when first drinking it, perhaps wintergreen, but the more i drank it the less it tasted like that and the more the anise flavor crept in. And now that's all i can taste. And the sad part is i started off liking this quite a bit and ended up thinking i will never try this root beer again. Just straight up flip flopped on this one. 

My official review is that Labrador Root Beer gets 4 (four) IBCs. I am not in the best mood right now with the way this one toyed with my emotions like that and i was really teetering on the edge of giving this one a 3, but it probably deserves at least a 4. But don't go bragging about it around town Labrador, it's nothing to be proud of. The one takeaway from this whole experience is that at least now i can definitively say that this root beer is NOT good for the world. 

Sonoran Root Beer

Wow... July has been a whirlwind, and all i can really say is that i know i have been missed and i am sorry for delaying my research notes for all of you. But i have a special treat for you today. Sonoran Root Beer is brewed right here in good ol' Phoenix, AZ (specifically, in Scottsdale) at the Pinnacle Peak Patio Steakhouse. I was tipped off by a lady i work with named Merlyn. Suffice it to say, she's awesome. The brewery makes several types of unique beers for the restaurant as well as Sonoran Root Beer. The brewery used to also make another kind of root beer called Watt's root beer which is no longer in production. However, i actually talked to Zach, one of the brewmasters at Sonoran (cuz that's the kind of pull i have in the local root beer circles), and he told me that he just recently started rebottling Sonoran and that once he gets this thing going again that he has ideas for lots of other root beer recipes he wants to try out. Nice dude. I only talked to him on the phone, but after talking to him and having never seen him in real life, i'd have to say he probably looks strikingly similar to this. Or this. Or maybe this. Anyway, Sonoran can now be purchased at the Pop Shop as well as from the restaurant where the brewery is located.

Sonoran comes in 22 oz. brown glass bottles, so it's a little bit larger serving than you might be used to. The label feature's a cool, kickin' it cactus with sunglasses and a big mug of root beer. Living in the desert, you get your fair share of exposure to cactus of all temperaments, from happy, to angry, to paranoid. You just gotta roll with it really. But anyway, other than that, the label is quite simple. It uses a lot of bright colors and has the Sonoran Brewing Company brand proudly displayed, so there's really no mistaking it. The big bottle was nice so i could share with my wife, although i don't think she appreciated the root beer much since she was sick at the time. All she kept saying was, "i can't taste anything", at which point she was promptly cut off. So luckily i had plenty left over for the review.

The ingredients listed on the label show that this root beer is quite simple. It tastes like root beer, which is a good thing for a root beer to taste like, and has a blend of other flavors in it. The root beer is made with sonoran desert honey, vanilla, and artificial flavors, but in the end it all just tastes like smarties to me. There was another root beer i reviewed in my what is now ENORMOUS collection of documented root beer explorations, but i can't quite pinpoint which one it is. But the bottom line is that i liked it. It's quite sweet, but still very good. The root beer taste it starts with is kind of overshadowed by the sweet, candy aftertaste, but i didn't find it overpowering or unlikeable.

My official review is that Sonoran Root Beer gets 7 (seven) IBCs. It's a good root beer. I dig the 22 oz. bottles and i am excited to see if Zach follows through with some more concoctions for me to review/promote for him for free. I'm just hoping that once he makes it big, i'll be compensated on the back end. But do yourself a favor and swing by the Pop Shop and grab a bottle. It's decent stuff.

Steaz Organic Sparkling Green Tea Root Beer

Well, this will round out the natural/organic root beer run i made at Whole Foods, and this has to be by far the weirdest one i've encountered. Steaz is a brand or organic beverages from the Healthy Beverage Company of Newton, PA. They make a variety of different drinks in several flavors, all of which contain green tea. I don't know how long they've been around, but thanks to a little research on this site, i do know that the company was started by a couple guys named Eric Schnell and Steve Kessler. These two guys decided to name their drink "Steaz" because they combine "sodas" with "teas". They use a z because they think it looks stylish. I'll give you credit for being somewhat clever, though i don't think you exerted yourselves all that much. However, the name Steaz makes me think of "skeez", as in, "that guy is a total skeez", and that makes me think these guys are kinda shady. Another reason i think that is because they rave excessively about how much good in the world they are doing. I mean, these guys love to toot their own horn about how they donate to causes that benefit Sri Lanka, the Sudan, cancer survivors, paying fair wages to farmers, and reducing the carbon foot print. Sure, you can say they are all noble causes, and i am not disputing that. I am just saying that those who yell the loudest usually have something to hide. Could it be that what they really do all day is sit around in a shack smoking opium and listening to trance music? That seems more likely. You may be asking yourself, "what would ever give you that idea Cosmo?" Just take a look at their website. Seriously, i feel like i'm trapped in a bad Enigma video, or like i'm the first one to arrive at a cult recruitment meeting wondering where everyone else is and why my head suddenly is starting to feel funny.

The 12 oz. clear glass bottles of their "root beer" have a fairly basic, yet high end look to them. There is the brand logo itself printed above a row of overflowing root beer mugs. Although there is a lot of text involved just in writing the name, it doesn't look too busy and isn't off putting. So like i said, it's pretty basic, but it also looks quite professional. Apparently this stuff is pretty popular because they make enough money to sponser a fairly high end website, some decent marketing and packaging, and lots of cash to throw at charities.

As mentioned before, all the drinks made by Steaz contain green tea. That being the case, i don't think they should really call this stuff soda, or even root beer. It's tea. It looks like tea, it tastes like tea, and it even calls itself tea. Does it taste like root beer? Vaguely. And maybe the joke is on me and i just misunderstood, but this stuff isn't root beer. It's tea. Like Santa Cruz Organic, this stuff is also sweetened with organic evaporated cane juice. It also claims to be far better for you than soda. That's because it's parading as something it is not. Tea combined with soda? It's not soda. Not at all. Or maybe i was just confused when i bought it. I was expecting a tea infused soda. But what i got was a "root beer" flavored tea. And on that matter, let me just say that people have combined tea with other flavors to create raspberry tea, cinnimon tea, and even peppermint tea, which are all acceptable. But i have a suggestion for the tea industry in general; don't combine your tea with root beer. Just don't do it.

My official review is that Steaz Green Tea Root Beer gets 2 (two) IBCs. It's not that this stuff is terrible tasting. It's that it's not a root beer. And i don't particualy like tea, so that already counts me out. There is also a note on the bottle about natual settling that may occur for this drink. I found as i drank down to the bottom of the bottle, it becomes more and more tea flavored. Also, the colder it is, the better tasting it is (if any of you are still interested). They claim it's good for you, but i won't be buying it again, and i suggest you get yourself a real root beer also.

Santa Cruz Organic Root Beer

You must be getting tired of these natural root beers, but i only have a couple more to review. This one is called Santa Cruz Organic Root Beer. Santa Cruz Natural is a company dedicated to making several products, from fruit juices to peanut butter, using organic sources. The company is based in Chico, CA and has been around since the early 1970s. In addition to making products from all natural sources, Santa Cruz Organic is a big proponent of the green movement. I think up until now i have made myself fairly clear about my stance on hippies, but i rarely (if ever) mention anything about the green movement, which was started primarily by hippies (or more-so, the children of hippies). This might offend people, but i think we can all agree my influence in the root beer circles excuses my opinions that some may find offensive. Anyway, let's start this with a question. "Hey Cosmo, how do you feel about the green movement?" Well, i'll tell you. The green movement is a marketing scheme. The word "green" to me is synonymous with "expensive". Have you noticed that "green" products are usually more expensive than their "non-green" competitive counterparts? I thought going green was supposed to save money. Why does saving the Earth have to be so expensive? Seriously? And why has EVERYTHING turned green in the past three to five years? Because it's a marketing scheme, that's why. They guilt you into saving the planet by buying more expensive "green" products. I'm sick of green products. Now before you work yourself into a tizzy, let me make myself clear; I'm not saying you should go out and club a baby seal and pour oil all over it's dead body. I'm just saying get off my back if once in a while i like to unwind by dumping toxic waste on a pile of kittens. Hey, it's my prerogative. I'm an American! Anyway, sorry about that. Let's talk about root beer some more. The can it came in has a very basic design. The color scheme is composed of green and white for all the soda flavors, and there is a picture of the plant of flavor of the soda somewhere on the can. The root beer has a picture of a couple old barrels of root beer made from real organic wood sources, or at least they should be or Santa Cruz is a dirty liar. The rest of the can is covered in text, mostly about being organic and natural and all of that. It's basic and simple, and i am impartial to it. It doesn't jump out at me and i am not repulsed by it. Not much else to say about it really. My only other experience with a self proclaimed "organic" root beer ended very badly, so i was expecting the worst when i popped the top on this sucker. I was relieved to find that it's not as terrible as i was led to believe all organic root beers are, but it's still very typical tasting of a natural root beer. It has light carbonation and is sweetened with something called "organic evaporated cane juice", which actually has it's own website. The root beer taste is really quite subtle, and the after taste is basically non-existent. It almost reminds me of Olde Rhode Island Root Beer, in that the taste disappears after drinking it so quickly. Plus, it has a taste that reminds me of herbal tea. Basically all i end up really tasting in the end is the sugar and herbal tea taste. And the big kicker is that the root beer itself is actually clear. Yup, it's like the Crystal Pepsi of root beer.

My official review is that Santa Cruz Organic Root Beer gets 3 (three) IBCs. Like i said, i am leaning more toward putting it in the same category as Olde Rhode Island, but being a natural/organic soda, i'm coming down on it a little harder than i did with ORI. It doesn't taste bad, but it's completely unimpressive. Plus, it's affiliation with the green movement isn't helping it's reputation any...

Whistler Classic Sodas Lemon Root Beer

Sam's Club. A membership store full of good deals, items sold in bulk, and ornery customers. My wife and i took our kids with some of their neighborhood friends to Sam's Club recently to get some ice cream. Just a little treat as we are heading into Fall Break. The cafe at Sam's Club offers some good deals on some not great food. I concede Costco is much much better in regards to the food offerings they serve at the cafe, but we don't have a Costco membership. We have Sam's Club, with it's inferior pizza but decent hot dogs. And because the food is so affordable from the cafe, the lines are always so so long. The day we went recently was no exception. There were a lot of people waiting for their food and the staff at the cafe was visibly busy working behind the counter to fill all the orders. One customer in particular was very vocal about his discontent regarding the situation. He continually harassed the employees, asking where his order was even though he was clearly standing behind multiple other people who simply stood quietly and waited for their food. The staff told him they were doing the best they could and they would get his order out once they finished all the orders before him. But that wasn't good enough. He just wouldn't let it drop. That's when my wife spoke up. This isn't common for her to do, so i was surprised by it, but she simply told the guy they were doing the best they could and that he didn't need to talk to them like that. For the record, i was and am completely on the side of my wife and she was handling the situation differently than i would have. I would have just ignored the guy, but she chose to engage him and was telling it straight. She didn't need any help from me, so I sat back and paid attention to the conversation. The guy kept getting heated as they argued but my wife remained calm and kept assuring him they are doing their best and it's not like they are sitting in the back smoking or not working, they were clearly all hands on deck at this point. 

"Then they need more people," the guy exclaimed. "They should go get more help." 

"What do you want them to do about that? They are all working", my wife replied.

"Then do you want to go back there and help them?" the guy asked snidely. 

"No, but if you're that worried about it maybe you can go talk to a manager and get them some help, but i think you should just leave them alone cuz they are working."

Then the guy throws a, "that's cuz you're an idiot" at my wife. 

I had been patiently sitting and listening to this exchange waiting for this, the moment it escalated when i would be forced to say something. "Hey, easy guy." That's all i said. I was previously invisible to him as he was focused on arguing with this woman in line. But when the guy made eye contact with me i saw the realization wash over his face that the woman he was talking to at that point was my wife. He then turned around and didn't say another word. Now, i'm a classic weakling and a coward with no skills when it comes to physical confrontation, which is why i wouldn't have engaged this guy at all. And i don't consider myself a threatening presence in the least, but i was a good foot taller, probably 50-60 pounds heavier and at least 10 years younger than this guy. But more than our physical differences, what this guys actions said to me is that this guy is comfortable throwing his weight around when talking to a 100 pound woman but wouldn't say those kinds of things to another man. A true coward.

Just at that moment the guy's wife walks up to catch the tail end of this standoff. She doesn't say anything to us and goes up to her husband and they quietly talk to one another. Soon after their ice creams arrive and they collect them and walk past us. As they do, i look away trying to avoid further confrontation. My wife looks at them and smiles. And i didn't see it, but my wife says, "oh, don't roll your eyes at me," to the wife of this guy. She is much bigger than my wife (and her husband for that fact) and she squares up to my wife and shouts, "F*** you, Karen!" She and my wife exchange a couple more words and her husband mutters, "let's just go," and they both saunter off. This is the end of that whole confrontation, but it's one of those ones where you sit and think about it for hours afterward. What i would have said had i thought of it in the moment is that lady is 100% using that term wrong. SHE is calling MY WIFE a Karen? SHE'S the one who has the husband complaining because Sam's Club isn't making his $1.60 ice cream fast enough. I'm convince she has that 180 degrees flipped. What did my wife wish she said? "You're just mad because your husband can't pick you up." A bit of a low blow, but given the abuse she endured i would have allowed it. However, I told her if she would have said that this lady would have charged her, and i'm not sure i could have pulled her off. Anyway, i guess the moral of this story is don't be mean to people unless they deserve it. 

Sorry for my pointless meandering story there but i was looking for a way to pad this review. This is another root beer sent to me by my friend in Minnesota. Whistler Classic Sodas are made in Spring Lake Park, MN and distributed by Blue Sun Bottling. One of the flavors they offer is a Lemon Root Beer. I found a Facebook page for the company because the website listed on the bottle led me to this site which says the domain is for sale (and not really a bargain if you ask me). I personally don't care to traffic much on Facebook and don't have a profile on that platform, but it looks like a fun little operation. The 12 oz clear glass bottle has a fun shape to it, all twisty and stuff (like that guy's ice cream from Sam's Club) but the label is pretty sad.

The Whistler logo is on the bottle... and that's about it. The defunct website is listed near the bottom of the bottle and on the back is a barcode and some info about the bottling company. That's all. The only way to tell this is root beer is by looking at the cap to see a poorly printed and lazily placed sticker with the flavor and very difficult to make out ingredients listed. This was not impressive to me in the least. I like the logo but from the slap-dash nature of this i thought someone threw some root beer in a random recycled bottle. I will say though that the piss poor labeling does not match the caliber of the taste of this soda. This is a good tasting soda. It's very sweet with a pervasive lemon backbone to the flavor. The carbonation is good and it has a nice, sweet finish. I think my main criticism of it is similar to the last root beer i reviewed; i would not call this a root beer. The flavor of this doesn't remotely resemble that of a classic or even rudimentary root beer. It tastes like a candy or a dessert. Again, it's good, but it ain't root beer. 

My official review is that Whistler Classic Sodas Lemon Root Beer gets 6 (six) IBCs. I really did enjoy this soda, which was refreshing considering i expected to hate it. But i deliberately called it a "soda" and not a "root beer". It's just not even in the same category. Had it even a hint of root beer essence to it i would have rated it a 7 or an 8, cuz this is a good soda. I'd be eager to try some of the other flavors in their selection. However, i am gonna be firm on this account. If you're going to call it root beer it needs to taste at least somewhat like root beer. 

Freddie's Old Fashioned Root Beer

This is gonna be another quick one. Sorry, but i have a bunch of these in my fridge and need to get through them. I presume some of you, my loyal readers, actually prefer to not read any of my blathering run-on sentences i've been writing about my life lately, but i guess i wouldn't know since i truly don't care to read any of your comments or just generally interact with you at all. So with that, let's talk about Freddie's Old Fashioned Root Beer. I found this at my local Fry's grocery store, which is my preferred grocery shopping market. Freddie's is bottled in Frankfort, KY by Buffalo Trace Distillery. I have heard a lot about Buffalo Trace Whiskey as they are frequent sponsors on the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast, but i have not indulged in the whiskey itself. I'm lead to believe that it's quite good, though i wouldn't know a good whiskey from a bad one if someone asked me. But it looks like this is the line of craft sodas that Buffalo Trace is responsible for. And since i can't weigh in on the whiskey, I guess i'll just have to see what this root beer holds.

The traditional 12 oz brown glass bottle has some fun labels attached, including one around the neck saying "Isn't that neat?". Well, it is in fact neat, as well as the little thumbs up on the cap and the profile image of a balding man wearing glasses and saying "Hey Daddy-o". It's fun and lively, so props for that Freddie's. A little harder to read at the bottom of the label is an informal ingredients list boasting the use of natural herbs, oil of birch and imported vanilla. The formal ingredients list says this stuff is sweetened with cane sugar and/or high fructose corn syrup. Not really sure how to take that. I guess they are covering all the bases with that statement. 

Well, whatever they sweeten this stuff with they did a decent job. This is a solid root beer all the way through. It has a classic, traditional root beer base with a sweet, creamy vanilla finish. The carbonation is a bit light for my taste, but otherwise it's very matter of fact. This is a root beer and it makes no qualms about it. Maybe my only criticism is that the flavor isn't distinct. I have no confidence that i could pick this out of a lineup. But that fact aside, i'm sure if i did a blind taste test of this root beer i would come to the conclusion that it's great even if i couldn't tell you what brand it was. 

My official review is that Freddie's Old Fashioned Root Beer gets 7 (seven) IBCs. Another great outing for a random root beer tucked away in my fridge. I am a fan of this stuff, and it seems to be popping up lots of places i have seen in my regional travels around the country so it is fairly readily available from what i can tell. Buffalo Trace is well known for putting a lot of time and effort into crafting their signature whiskey and i could say that seems to be the case for their root beer as well. Well done you. Go ahead and give this one a shot if you get the chance.