Hank's Root Beer

I am really bad at keeping up on these recently, but i am also a busy boy. However, this is a review that has needed to happen for a long time. The root beer on the docket today is Hank's Gourmet Root Beer, from Philadelphia, PA. Hank's has only been around since 1996, but the company that makes Hank's has been around for over 40 now. I knew a kid named Hank in grade school. He had a flat top. And glasses. And he was kinda over weight.
... Anyway, let's talk root beer.

I like the bottle. It's not typical and has a cool shape to it. I know that's not much of a description, but that's about as good as i can do. The label is cool too. It's kind of a metallic, gold color sticker that looks like an old coin that has been found and slightly polished up. I'd say to just look at the picture, but i realize it's kind of dark and may not do the bottle and label justice very well. But it passes the test as a respectable member of the memorable root beers club (which isn't a real club, but i think you get my point). By the way, i have a Chinese professor right now for one of my classes with a thick accent, and when he says the word "member", it sounds like "man bear". And that, of course, makes me think of Manbearpig. It's very distracting during lectures.

Now, i realize it seems like i have already been talking this thing up a lot, but i don't want to give anyone the impression that this is the greatest root beer in the world. However, it's still a really good root beer. Nothing really sets it apart much from the others though. It is well carbonated and has a solid root beer flavor with some good vanilla undertones. I'm not sure what it is that makes me think this stuff is so good though. Maybe it's the packaging, the solid taste, or the way it makes me think of a chubby, flat topped grade school boy (but not like in a sexual way or anything, cuz he's not sexy at all). Well whatever it is, it's working for me.

My official review is that Hank's gets 7 (seven) IBCs. For me, a 7 is a solid rating, and i have probably had plenty of other root beers just as good as Hank's that didn't get a 7. So what makes the difference? I couldn't tell you. It's just how it has to be i guess. Maybe you can try it and give me your opinion. Perhaps it will sway my decision.

But probably not...

Americana Root Beer

I had a bit of a bad bout with my computer recently but luckily i have a backup. So it's back to business as usual i suppose. New root beers are becoming harder and harder to come by. However, thanks to a site called Soda Pop Stop (not sure if i have already mentioned and/or linked it), i have several root beers on hand that i am trying to space out somewhat to preserve the long running status of this blog (over one year). This root beer is an old timey American classic, which is why it bears the name Americana. This drink is part of the Orca Beverage Inc. and hails from Mukilteo, WA. Orca also distributes several other brands of soda. Americana also comes in black cherry and honey lime ginger flavor, the later of which sounds like it would be delicious in a salsa with some tacos. Not sure if it translates that well though, but if you find the desire, i urge you to try it and let me know how it is.

The 12 oz. brown glass bottle is draped in a simple but bold label adorned with the American flag and some flagrant font. (Speaking of font, my wife and i rented a documentary called Helvetica, which is about the origin and application of this majestic font. I haven't seen it yet, but i am sure it's fantastic. Check it out today.) Simple colors of red, white, and blue act proudly yet somberly to convey the message that this root beer's patriotism is evident from start to finish. It's not over bearing, but it makes the point clear that this root beer would gladly die for it's country if the cause of freedom were in jeopardy. Noble, i suppose, but in the end, i think it just plays to the sentimentality of old people. But i digress.

Webster.com (one of my favorite websites) defines Americana as, "materials concerning or characteristic of America, its civilization, or its culture; broadly: things typical of Amercia". So to me, if you name your root beer Americana, it had better taste like things prevalent in American culture, like apple pie, baseball, and wearing out your welcome. However, the thing is tastes like most to me is molasses. The bottle does say that Americana is made with pure cane sugar, but i wasn't expecting it to be a thick, dark molasses flavor permeating the experience. It's not unbearable, but i don't particularly care for the taste of molasses. My wife tells me that is tastes like a bad gingerbread cookie, the key ingredient in gingerbread being molasses (i would have thought it would be ginger, but whatever). The taste is fairly sharp and gives me no room to find anything else appealing about the root beer. And frankly, i don't know how molasses flavor is supposed to speak to the sentimentality of American culture, past or present. Of course, i am not very versed on the history of molasses in our country, so if any of you, my loyal readers, care to shed some light on this, i would be a willing student. But basically, i think Americana has missed the mark.

My official review is that Americana gets 4 (four) IBCs. It's not great, and with a name like Americana it's supposed to make me think of a better, simpler time. It doesn't though. It makes me think, "now what am i supposed to do to get this taste out of my mouth?" And i'm not a marketing expert or a research and development guru, but i am pretty sure a root beer wants people to want to drink more of it.

BTW... Someone should tell that to the Journey Root Beer guys, cuz that stuff is awful.

Dorothy's Isle of Pines Root Beer

Do you know the Root Beer Lady? Well if not, this is your chance to get acquainted. Dorothy's Isle of Pines Root Beer comes from Ely, MN. I stumbled upon this website while researching new root beers to review and ordered a 6 pack of the root beer to be mailed to my house. You can look over the website if you'd like to learn more about Dorothy Molter and her life living in a remote part of Northern Minnesota for the better part of a century. I'll just fill you in on the basics: a nurse by training, she was fond of making root beer for traveling tourists and campers/adventurers. She became such an attraction that she was dubbed "the Root Beer Lady", and now years after her passing her story, estate, and legacy have been turned into a museum and peddled to the masses via this website. You can get an illustrated story book about Dorothy, a video while she was still alive in her later years, her famous root beer, t-shirts, hats, magnets, root beer soap, and even root beer earrings. Honestly, the only thing that interested me was the root beer (one-track mind), but i am sure she was a lovely lady. Feel free to read more about her if you'd like though.

The bottles are typical, and the label is loaded with iconic imagery celebrating the life of Dorothy. Her face is plastered on the front and the rest of it is made to look back-woodsy and rugged-frontiery. The background of the label appears to be aspen bark, there is a picture of her cabin around the neck, and the label contains lots of info leading you back to the site that i linked. I had to order a 6 pack because that's the smallest units they sell, and with shipping it ended up being around $25. That's not cheap, but i am finding that most orders i put in for mail order root beer run about that much. I don't like spending that much, but i do it for you, my loyal readers. You're continued support is thanks enough, unless you feel like you want to send me some money to compensate. If so, let me know.

Though i give her props for being a root beer expert for several years, the current recipe that is sold via the website is simply nothing special. It reminds of some natural, organic root beers i have reviewed, although i don't think it is. I am sure it's mass produced now with few of the original processes still in place. It's not bad, but i don't really like it that much. I can't put my finger on it, but it tastes like a root beer i have tried before. But basically, it tastes kind of watered down, a touch too sweet, and lacking in carbonation. Plus, it leaves a bad taste in your mouth afterward. This one doesn't really jump out and grab me at all. Like Dorothy herself, this seems weak and frail to me.

My official review is that Dorothy's Isle of Pine's Root Beer gets 4 (four) IBCs. My wife isn't a fan at all, which means i have 5 more bottles to drink by myself, and to be honest, i don't think i like it that much either. I might give them away as Christmas gifts or just bring them in to work and leave them in the lunch room like i did with the other hippie natural root beers i didn't want to finish drinking. So in short, if you find yourself in the area where she lived and want to check out her old stomping grounds, then grab a root beer. Otherwise, save your money.

Joe's BBQ Home Made Root Beer

I'm smack in the middle of finals right now, and it has not been kind to me. This semester has worn me out, and on top of it all i currently have a cold. It's miserable, but you're not here to listen to me whine, you're here for some root beer news. Well that's just what i have for you today. I have lived here in the Mesa/Gilbert/Phoenix area for a good portion of my life and it never occurred to me to review the home made root beer at Joe's Real BBQ in Gilbert until i was there last night for a birthday gathering of a friend of mine (happy birthday Robbie). They have great food at reasonable prices, but more importantly, they have home made root beer. Joe's has been open since 1998, and although it doesn't say it on their site expressly, i am going go ahead and say they have been making their own root beer since their inception. That's the kind of creative power i reserve for my reviews; making up facts. It's probably true anyway, so deal with it. In addition to the root beer beverage, they also tote a root beer cake. My wife was eager to try it, but we were fairly disappointed when we discovered that it's just chocolate cake and doesn't taste like root beer at all. However, it did spark some ideas on making a genuine, delicious root beer cake that myself and a few associates of mine may need to perfect and flood the market with.

The picture i have depicting the soda is of a Joe's BBQ paper cup. Not that exciting i know, but it's the best i can do since i don't think they bottle and/or ship it anywhere. So in order to try it you must go down to the establishment itself. That shouldn't be a cause of distress though. As i mentioned before, the food is very good. Anyway, there is a cartoony guy on the orange cup who i will assume is Joe himself. The background is a road map of the great state of Arizona, or as it's known to anyone who lives here, God's country.

Home made root beer doesn't hold much appeal for me, and as much as i like Joe's food, his root beer leaves something to be desired. There is plenty of carbonation, so that's not the problem, but the flavor is just not that great. You know those bottle caps candies? The ones that taste like different sodas, like cola, cherry, etc.? Well this root beer basically tastes just like the root beer flavored bottle cap. The weird thing is that i like the root beer flavored bottle cap candy, but it doesn't translate well into an actual beverage. The flavor is very sharp for some reason and ultimately kind of a let down. It's not terrible by any means, but i think Joe should make some revisions to the recipe and come back with something a little more palatable.

My official review is that Joe's Real BBQ gets 5 (five) IBCs. That's being generous too. I like Joe's, so i don't want to slam his root beer, but it's really not that great. It's unfortunate. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't try it if you go down there. The rest of the dining experience more than makes up for the little bit that the root beer lacks. Plus, if you go on your birthday, you're meal is free, and that right there is some sweet action.

Big Fizz Root Beer

Hello all you out there in root beer internet land! I have another root beer to review for you today. This one i have known about for some time now and just recently got a hold of. It's called Big Fizz Root Beer. I found it on the Rite Aid website while looking for other root beers. Rite Aid is comparable to a Walgreens or CVS store. Unfortunately there are no Rite Aids in Arizona, the closest store being in California. Well as it turns out, my wife and i made a little trip with her extended family back in October to visit my wife's favorite place, or as i like to call it, "the gropiest place on Earth" on account of all the nefarious characters regularly groping your children there. Personally, i hate that place. It's the biggest exploitation of children since child labor. But once in a while i have to endure the torture of spending way to much money to be somewhere i absolutely hate in order to appease my wife's unhealthy Peter Pan fetish/obsession. SOOO... long story short, while we were in California we made a trip to the local Rite Aid and found a bottle of Big Fizz so i could review it. I am not sure if Big Fizz distributes exclusively through Rite Aid, but that's the impression that i get from the website. This mass marketed soda line comes in several flavors.

I picked up a 2 liter bottle of their root beer, and i am not sure if there is any other sizes or variations on packaging available. The bottle is a typical 2 liter plastic bottle. The label is very plain, lots of writing and text, with a limited color scheme. It's brown and white, with a little bit of yellow splashed in there for "flare". I don't know. Companies like this just want to throw something out there to get a small piece of the big pie, so the label doesn't have to be flashy or memorable. It just has to convey the message, which i suppose this one does just fine. There are some swirly designs in the background and carbonated bubbles coming off the word "Fizz", i guess to accentuate that this stuff if fizzy.

At least the root beer lives up to its name. It is indeed very fizzy. There is a lot of carbonation in this drink, which is fine by me. It's not enough to kill you or anything, but they don't hold back on it. Other than that, this root beer is completely forgettable. There is nothing very appealing about it. The root beer flavor is very watered down, which is too back because it's not a bad flavor. It also has a good aroma, but the taste fades so fast that you forget what it even tastes like right after you drink it. Even for the store brands, this one doesn't really make a mark, and being on the low end of the store brands is a sad place to be. It's not completely awful and is basically everything i expected it to be, but that still makes it a fundamentally bad root beer.

My official review is that Big Fizz Root Beer gets 3 (three) IBCs. I would say it's a high 3 because i don't detest this stuff, but it is not good enough to earn a low 4, so i have to mark this one down as sub-par. I don't know how widely spread out Rite Aids are across our great nation, but chances are that unless you're in some podunk, one-hat town there are other options out there for you as far as root beer is concerned. And in those cases, i suggest you look somewhere else for a decent root beer.

Napa Valley Root Beer

To start this review, i am obligated to give a "shout out" to my coworker Heather. Heather is a faithful reader and ardent follower of my work, and she was nice enough to lend a hand in finding a new root beer for me to review. She found this root beer at the local Big Lots for only $2 for a 4-pack. Quite a deal if you ask me. Anyway, she said she'd be happy to get me a pack to further my cause. So kudos to you Heather. Thanks for the helping hand, and let this be a lesson to the rest of you; when you help me you're really only helping yourself. Anyway, Napa Valley Soda Co. has been around since 1872, which puts it in the grandfather realm as far as root beers are concerned. Nappy Valley is of course in California and is famously known as wine country, but this soda is now distributed by Wet Planet, which has its headquarters in Rochester, NY. There are several fruity flavors, but it seems like they showcase the root beer (which any good soda company with good business sense should do).

This root beer comes in 12 oz. clear glass bottle. It's not necessarily a typical bottle though, it's a little different shaped. Kind of old fashionedy. Anyway, the sticker label is very colorful, complete with a rainbow hot air balloon and the flowery, hippie love child font (which i am not sure Microsoft is actually responsible for) spells out the name of the soda company over a spiraling galaxy like swirl. Probably influenced by the San Francisco hippy movement of the mid to late 1960's. I don't really care for the label, but in this case, i don't think that's what's most important.

I have long held that root beer in clear glass bottles is usually disappointing. Well up until now, every root beer in a clear glass bottle has backed that theory up. This root beer however flies in the face of all the presumptions i had about this. For starters, this root beer has a good amount of carbonation, something which is not common in clear glass bottle root beers. Most has little to no carbonation, but Napa Valley comes stocked with just the right amount. Second, the flavor is full and satisfying, while most other clear glass bottle root beers seem watered down and bland. The distinct full bodied root beer flavor and slight carmel undertones really impressed me. Granted, it's nothing earth shattering or completely new, but all that aside, it is a very refreshing and surprisingly good root beer. Both my wife and i thoroughly enjoyed it, and at $2 for a 4-pack, there's really no excuse why this stuff shouldn't get the approval of everyone else also.

My official review is that Napa Valley Root Beer gets 8 (eight) IBCs. This is a solid root beer, one i think has universal appeal. It's good, inexpensive, and refreshing. I am pleased with it, and i want to say thanks again to my coworker Heather for picking this one up for me. I'm adding it to my regulars list. I am not sure if Big Lots are located all across this great nation, but if you find yourself near one, you should stop in and pick up some of this stuff.

Journey Desert Sage Root Beer

Before i dive into this review (which is bound to be short), i just want to toot my own horn and say that i have officially been professionally reviewing root beers for one year now. Looking back, it's amazing and awe inspiring to see how many lives i've blessed with this important work i do. I appreciate all of the praise you, my loyal readers, shower upon me on a regular basis. So here's to another great year of root beer reviewing. Cheers!

So anyway, for the first review of my second official year, i'm pleased to announce that i tracked down one of the other two root beers created by the Journey soft drinks company. For a rundown on Journey, please see my Journey John Barleycorn post as it will save everyone time. The basics are that the company claims to make sodas from the best ingredients available. But from my review of John Barleycorn, the company has a lot more work to do. Even some of you, my faithful readers, put in some of your comments affirming my astute observation of a truly awful root beer (although, i will concede that one with a far inferior ability to mine could easily come to the same conclusion). Well i am sorry to say that this root beer is in the same wheelhouse.

The label on the 12 oz. bottle is basically just like that of John Barleycorn with a different color scheme. There is a soft green background to coincide with the Desert Sage name. I don't know if it's just a clever name or if they actually put Desert Sage in the drink, but if so i have something to say to the Journey company... STOP IT! This stuff is just as bad as John Barleycorn. It is completely flat, it doesn't taste like root beer at all, and it leaves a nasty taste in your mouth afterward. It tastes extremely similar to Route 66, almost like a rotten fruit flavor. It's awful. Don't waste your time with this company (again).

My official review is that Journey Desert Sage gets 1 (one) IBC. I don't know who in their right mind would think this company makes quality root beers. I haven't tried any of their other sodas, but i think any soda company worth its salt can be judged entirely from its root beer, and this company happens to have three root beers. So far, Journey has two strikes. That's enough for me to never want anything to do with them again, but i will continue my quest to track down the final Journey root beer. Don't hold your breath though.